


Thoughts in the dark

by eeli



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Development, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Karasuno, Loneliness, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Senpai-Kouhai Relationship, Slow Build, mentioned bokuaka, mentioned yamayachi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-24 13:32:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 14
Words: 35,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6155254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eeli/pseuds/eeli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People often thought he was cold and distant. He didn’t argue with that, for he had had the walls around him since he could remember. He didn’t have many friends. Not many would bother trying to see, what was under the frown he wore from day to day. And mostly Tsukishima was fine with that.<br/>But it wasn’t like he was emotionless. </p><p>So, after acting indifferent during the day, all the emotions that wanted out would start crawling through his mind, filling it with too many thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Windows

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Tsukishima-centric fic, filled with angst. He is a character I can relate to, so I am pouring out my feelings through him.  
> I hope that won't make him too OOC.

He walked down the street in silence. It was already quite late, after having a longer volleyball practice. The streets were dark and quiet; he could only hear the occasional hum of distant cars. The air was pleasant and unmoving, in a way that he didn’t feel it on his skin. Some sort of calmness filled him. But even in its calmness, it was a lonely feeling. It felt like the world around him had stopped. As if he was moving through a pathway to a different dimension. A pathway, where no-one could see him, but he could see everyone else. He closed his eyes for a moment and let out a long breath.

These were the moments when Tsukishima thought about life the most. The light coming out from the windows made him wonder. He wondered about the lives behind the glass. How they were all living in a different world, their different stories. Maybe someone was cuddling together with their lover, watching a movie. Maybe someone was tucking their kids to bed. Maybe someone was drinking too much coffee to be able to study for exams.  
Or maybe someone was crying because of their loneliness.  
Tsukishima could see the blueish hue from a tv through one window, a family dining through another.  
He felt small and insignificant when he passed them.

His steps on the asphalt started being too loud to his ears. He became too aware of everything. His breathing was a little too fast and uneven. His tongue didn’t sit comfortably in his mouth. He could feel his heart beating. The quiet wasn’t calming anymore. It felt like the lives behind the windows were too distant. Something that Tsukishima could never reach.  
He wanted to be like them. He wanted to feel like he had a life.  
He forced himself to look away.

Tsukishima couldn’t take the quiet anymore, so he lifted his headphones to his ears. The music pushed through him in a wave, making him shiver. For a moment he thought it would drown his thoughts and fill the emptiness. But his heart wouldn’t stop beating too fast. His hands wouldn’t stop shaking. And somehow the music made him feel like he was not the one moving his body anymore. Like he was detached from reality.

He let out a pained cry, pushing the headphones back down. He needed grounding. Something to hold on to. So he grabbed his left arm and pressed his nails on the skin. Not hard enough to leave marks, but strong enough to connect with this body again. He was breathing. He was hurting. He was _living_. And he kept walking.

When he finally reached the steps to his home, his legs wouldn’t carry him anymore.  
So he sat down and cried silent tears.

 


	2. Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was no future for him.

When yet another night came, Tsukishima lay on his bed, trying to sleep. But sleep wouldn’t come. So he stared at the ceiling, even though he couldn’t actually see much. He thought was kind of fitting, since most of his life he kept looking, but could never quite see ahead. He didn’t really know _what_ he was looking for, what he was hoping to see, and it frustrated him. But he still kept looking, and even he didn’t expect much, he kept hoping. Maybe all he needed was a light to follow, a gentle nudge in some direction. Maybe something would show up, if he just kept going. But so far there had been nothing.

Well, there had been _something_. A time when he thought he had a goal. Something to reach for. But then, life happened, as it tended to, and Tsukishima realized how it was all in vain. No matter what he would do, no matter hard he would try, it would never be good enough. Now, he would never aim to do more than was necessary. And that showed in every single thing he did. Why should he work hard for something that didn’t mean a thing in the end? He could get by just being mediocre. And it worked. He didn’t have to go through the pain and drama of failing after doing his best. He was fine with that. Life was simpler without all the unnecessary feelings.

That was what he told himself. And yet, every night he would lay in the dark, having all these _feelings._ And sometimes, these feelings were just too much. There were so many of them, and they all came at once, not leaving him space so he could deal with them.  
Sometimes he couldn’t take it.

And when that happened, he cried. It was ugly, really. His face would twist in an ugly frown, snot running from his nose. The worst part was that he didn’t know why. All these feelings felt foreign. He couldn’t understand them. He couldn’t understand _why_ he would feel the need to cry over something so insignificant like his life. He was just a nobody, a filler in someone else’s story. And that was just as he wanted it to be. 

But why did he feel a tug in his heart every time he looked at people around him, planning their future, seeming to enjoy life?

That was something that often got to him. The future. Tsukishima didn’t see a future for him, no matter how he looked at it. He didn’t know what to do with his life. It didn’t seem like there was a path he could follow. It felt like he was just sitting in a boat without oars, letting it take him wherever it was going. And it seemed like it was taking him through a grey fog without an end. There was nothing for him there. Just a future with no meaning. And somehow, the thought made something in him drop.

Tsukishima exhaled strongly in frustration, kicking the mattress underneath him. He just couldn’t see the point. In anything. Every single day felt the same to him, and it was starting to become hard to keep going. Why should he get up in the morning, just to face the same day over again? He didn’t see a reason to. But he did. Even when each morning he woke up feeling a little more empty.

  
He didn’t sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this, I'm trying to pour my heart into it, even though it's hard in this language.  
> I am sorry that these are so short. But, I really am not good at writing long things... Especially not in English :D  
> I feel like I might be going around in circles. But perhaps I can make it work in the end. We'll see.


	3. Cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was lonely.

People often thought he was cold and distant. He didn’t argue with that, for he had had the walls around him since he could remember. He didn’t have many friends. Not many would bother trying to see what was under the frown he wore from day to day.  
But it wasn’t like he was emotionless.  
So, after acting indifferent during the day, all the emotions that wanted out would start crawling through his mind, filling it with too many thoughts.

Tsukishima couldn’t remember when it had started. The suffocating nights with his thoughts. He had grown used to them, not really remembering the time before them. And it was ok. He didn’t know if he was ready to change. It had gotten too familiar. He didn’t know if he would recognize the person he would be without the pain. But still, he he craved for someone to touch him, someone to hold him while he let his feelings pour out. He wished he didn’t feel so... alone.

It was a strange feeling to have. Tsukishima couldn’t quite understand why he would feel so lonely. After all, he had teammates. He had Yamaguchi. And yet, he didn’t know if he _truly_ had them. He wondered if Yamaguchi stayed with him just because they had been friends for so long. Habits were hard to break. Yamaguchi was a kind person, and people tended to like him. It was only a matter of time before he found better friends from better people. Tsukishima knew he wasn’t a much of a friend. He acted like he didn’t care, even when he did. There was nothing that would keep Yamaguchi close. Not anymore. So, every day after school, after every practice, Tsukishima was more and more afraid he was losing his closest friend. Maybe even his only friend. 

He caught himself missing Akiteru. Even if their relationship never quite returned to the same after the incident, they still shared a bond. There was something in the way Akiteru smiled that made Tsukishima feel at ease for a brief moment. His voice was calming. When he spent time with his brother, Tsukishima felt like things could turn out ok after all. He wished he could feel like it during the nights, when all he could hear were his quiet sobs. Every night he looked at his phone, thinking about calling his brother. But it was always too late. He didn’t want to wake him up. Tsukishima knew his brother wouldn’t mind, but he didn’t want Akiteru to worry.

So he kept going. Telling himself he didn’t need help. Every day he would take a deep breath, and hide behind the emotionless expression. Every day he would look at the world, his gaze icy and apathetic. Sometimes it was difficult, but it had worked so far. But one day, something was different. He felt the walls cracking. He felt a tightness in his chest, wanting to burst. So he hid in a bathroom, just to pick himself up again. It took a while to calm down, to let his heart stop beating so hard. He knew he had to keep up. He couldn’t let people see.

But still, he wished for someone to notice. He wished someone would see him, and help him take a step away from the empty path he was going. He often looked at the people around him. They had friends. Dreams. Hopes. And Tsukishima wished to be a part of that world. But he settled with silently watching his teammates goof around, big smiles on their faces. It was stupid. They were idiots. But still, he couldn’t help but crave for it.

Sometimes he wondered if he even deserved friends. Maybe his loneliness was for the best.

 

What Tsukishima didn’t know, was that every time they said their goodbyes, Yamaguchi would turn to look at Tsukishima’s back. Concern written in his expression. That every time he rubbed his temples caused by the exhaustion from the sleepless nights, his teammates would share worried glances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is hope?


	4. Envy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima finds out a few things.

It was strange. To see how his teammates were practising so hard to improve themselves. After the painful loss, everyone seemed to concentrate on fighting their weaknesses. Finding new ways to be of use to the team. Never wanting to go through the disappointment again. Tsukishima didn’t understand it. Sure, he didn’t want to lose again, but he didn’t really want to do more than necessary either. He didn’t have such a drive, like the others seemed to. It was just a sport after all.

But sometimes he would stop to look at the fire in Hinata’s eyes. How his goal was to be the best. How he would shout it to the world confidently. How he always pushed himself to surpass the person he was yesterday. “One more,” he would say. Over and over again.  
Tsukishima wondered if he’d ever feel that kind of passion towards anything in his life.

Those were the times when he felt envious.   
Despite his height, Hinata had found and fought a way around the disadvantage. There was a raw talent in him, and Tsukishima thought it was only a matter of time before Hinata would become something great. He would never admit this to the shrimp, of course.

The realization hit him hard. Tsukishima wished he could be more like Hinata. The thought was absurd, but he couldn’t deny it either.

He supposed he could try to do better, but in the end, it was pointless. Say he improved at something. Then what? They’d lose again, at some point. So he left the practices when they ended, even when the other stayed in order to master something. Even when he was asked to join. He _knew_ he was probably being a bit pathetic. But he just couldn’t find the will to do anything about it.

 

It was another evening practice. They were doing their routine, just like always, but today felt different, somehow. Tsukishima felt more distracted and tired than usually. For some reason his glasses felt heavy on the bridge of his nose, and his eyes seemed to tense up all the time. He often had to remind himself to relax his eyes in order to lessen the ache behind them. He wasn’t straining them because he couldn’t see, not like he would squint when he wasn’t wearing his glasses. This was different. He found it difficult to focus on anything. The headache was getting stronger, and he just wished to get home soon.

He was too distracted to notice the ball that ended up hitting his face. It hit his glasses, which in turn pressed into his face in a painful way. The unexpected hit made him stagger backwards, trying to keep his balance. He could hear his teammates call his name, someone was shouting apologies. Tsukishima took his glasses off and blinked.

He felt odd. He was suddenly surrounded by so many people, which made him feel anxious. He was itching to run away from them, to get some much needed privacy. But at the same time he felt uncomfortably desolated. The multiple sounds and voices around him were beginning to turn muffled, as if he was surrounded by an invisible wall. His vision started to turn blurry, not because of the lack of glasses, and somehow everything in the background seemed to lose colour. He stood still, suddenly gasping for air.

A figure appeared in front of him. He couldn’t see clearly, but the shape was familiar and made him feel safe. Yamaguchi. It seemed like his friend was speaking to him, but he couldn’t hear the words. It was muffled and unclear. Tsukishima tried to say “I’m fine”, but it came out weird, perhaps not really even in real words. He didn’t recognize his voice.

He felt a hand take his, and then he was being carefully guided somewhere. He was grateful for that.

Tsukishima couldn’t remember much after that. Just the caring touches and calming voice of his best friend. When his mind finally decided to catch up, he could feel warm hands on his cheeks. His eyesight started to become more focused, and he could see Yamaguchi’s concerned expression turn to relief. The hands disappeared. Tsukishima felt oddly disappointed at the loss. The touch had been comforting. Grounding.

“Tsukki…” Yamaguchi’s voice sounded small. Tsukishima didn’t like it. He didn’t want to be the one to cause his friend to look like that. He didn’t want to drag his only friend with him in this… whatever this was. He opened his mouth to say something, but didn’t quite know what he wanted to say. Yamaguchi seemed to understand, though. With a small, but worried smile, he just sat next to him. He turned his palm up, giving Tsukishima the opportunity to either take it or not. Letting _him_ decide.

Tsukishima felt something in his chest. A wave of emotions that made him both hurt and heal at the same time. For a moment he didn’t feel so alone and broken. For a moment his life felt just a bit brighter. But he was afraid it wasn’t real.  
He glanced at his friend, who was radiating warmth next to him. He was looking at Tsukishima with a caring expression on his face, which made Tsukishima feel calmer. He exhaled slowly. Perhaps it was going to be ok.

He took Yamaguchi’s hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter didn't really want to get written. But I tried :P
> 
> Thank you all for the kudos :)


	5. Senpais

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nishinoya and Tanaka want to have a word with Tsukishima.

Tsukishima was feeling uneasy. They had arrived in Tokyo for a training camp. It meant he’d have to deal with many more people, not just his own team, for several days. Everyone else in his team seemed pumped and eager to train. Nothing had changed for him; he still felt it was mostly a waste of time. In the end they’d just be tired, and would still lose. Their practice matches were still going terribly so far. His teammates were trying out their new techniques, not really succeeding. But he admitted, they were getting  _ somewhere.  _ Except for him. 

He had been wondering if he’d be dropped from the regulars soon. Tsukishima knew what it must look like to the others. He wasn’t putting much effort in anything, just doing what was told and nothing more. Eventually someone would either surpass him in skills, or the team would get fed up with his attitude. Perhaps it would be both. It wasn’t like his team had ever really liked him. Maybe it was better for him to quit before that happens. No matter how little interest he showed for the sport, being kicked out would still make him disappointed and angry at himself. He would prefer to leave by his own choice before that happened. The team deserved more than he could offer. However, it was proving to be more difficult than he had thought. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to give up just yet.

He sighed. What he disliked the most about the camp was the lack of privacy. There were so many teenagers hanging around, all packed with too much energy. It got crowded and suffocating at times. Wherever he went to find a moment of peace, there was someone already there. Usually he could deal with not getting privacy for a time. Now, he wasn’t so sure. Lately he had had difficulties keeping his emotions in. He had cried himself to sleep more often than not, when the hollow and empty feelings drowned him. Sometimes it was just too much to take. During this camp he would have to sleep in the same room with the whole team. Usually it was easier for him to control his reactions around people. As if his body and mind knew not to show the emotions. But things weren’t like they used to be. He was balancing on a thin line, trying not to fall. He wasn’t sure if he could get through the camp without breaking at some point. 

Despite him knowing it would be nearly impossible to find somewhere to be alone for a while, he decided to walk around for a bit. Maybe he’d find some corner. But instead, Tsukishima found himself cornered by stern-looking Tanaka and Nishinoya. It wasn’t an ideal position; he felt a little trapped, unable to escape. But, instead of telling them to let him go, he took a few breaths to calm down. It was only the two idiotic senpais, he could get past them if he wanted to. If he needed to. With a final exhale and a slight tilt of his head, he looked at the two boys, waiting for some sort of an explanation.

“Look, Tsukishima,” Nishinoya started with a harsh voice, as if he was going to scold him. He was looking up at the taller boy from under his eyebrows, appearing slightly intimidating. His eyes were intense, like he was trying to find something behind Tsukishima’s eyes. Tsukishima couldn’t look away, even when he started feeling like he was being stripped from his mask. It made him want to run. A moment passed like this, making Tsukishima fidget in anxiety. Nishinoya seemed to notice his discomfort, and finally spoke again.  
“Are you… alright?” Nishinoya’s voice was softer, expression turning into something like concerned.

Tsukishima did not expect that. He glanced at Tanaka, noticing he was looking at him with a strangely sad look. He never thought he’d see the two over-enthusiastic teammates looking so serious about something like this. Sure, they were determined and driven when it came to volleyball, but this? They were worried about  _ him _ ? He was just a nobody. A broody, bitter nobody. He didn’t deserve attention from worried upperclassmen. Especially when he had never been even relatively nice to them. Tsukishima noticed his mouth had opened slightly in surprise, not sure how to respond. 

“I mean, you’ve seemed sort of distracted lately, and you had a  _ panic attack _ or something the other day…” Tsukishima winced quietly at that, looking away. He still couldn’t believe he had let the others see him in such a state. He hated getting unnecessary attention, and that had been the worst kind. After the incident, his teammates had started acting different around him. They weren’t necessarily treating him differently, but there was something in the air that felt strange and distressing. It felt like there were eyes on him all the time, wherever he went, whatever he did. Maybe there was, but he couldn’t really blame them either. People didn’t usually get panic attacks after getting hit by a ball. Of course his teammates would find it strange and would want an explanation for it.  He wished he could go back in time. It made him feel weak, knowing that he had lost his composure during practice. He should’ve been stronger, able to keep going as he always did. He should’ve held on until he was back at home. He didn’t want the others to think there was something wrong with him. Even when there was.

They had been silent for a while, the older boys waiting for Tsukishima to say something. When he didn’t, Nishinoya rubbed his neck awkwardly, trying to find words to say. He and Tanaka shared a look, trying to encourage each other without words. Tanaka let out a heavy breath, apparently deciding to be the one to continue.  
“The thing is, we are worried. The whole team is.” Tanaka told him with a surprisingly clear voice, looking at him expectantly. Tsukishima realized he had been silent for too long, and the older boys clearly wanted some sort of a response from him.

“...Why?” Tsukishima asked when he finally found his voice, “Why would you care? You don’t even like me.” He knew he wasn’t liked in general. He gave no reason for people to. He acted cold and didn’t let them in, even if some tried. And eventually the few always end up giving up trying. That’s what he was used to. That’s how it had always been. So he couldn’t understand why these two would care about someone like him. They had nothing in common. Nothing except volleyball. 

“We don’t-?!” Nishinoya started with a shout that was a bit too loud. He looked offended. He let out a dramatic sigh when he noticed Tsukishima was averting his eyes. He lifted his hands to gently grab Tsukishima’s arms, trying to get him to look at him.  
“Listen. You’re like the annoying little brother, who we fight and bicker with all the time. But we  _ love _ you all the same, and want you to be safe and happy.” 

Tsukishima let out a quiet gasp, eyes widening and body tensing up. Emotions started flooding in, not giving him a chance to stop the wave. His breath shuddered as the slight trembling started. When Nishinoya noticed it, he was quick to let go of his arms, probably worrying he had said something to anger or hurt him. But that wasn’t the case. Tsukishima was only overwhelmed, unable to handle the strange emotions. It felt unreal. For so long he had quietly longed for someone to notice, for someone to try and pull him away from the darkness. And here he was, the two most unlikely people standing in front of him, attempting to do just that. He had never thought about what he’d do if this ever happened. He never believed it would. So he stood there, unable to move. He wished to reach out to them, but couldn’t get his mouth to open, or his limbs to obey. If only he had the words. 

His arms felt cold where Nishinoya’s hands had been. He craved for either of the boys to touch him. Just a simple touch, to make him feel like he was not dreaming. To feel the warmth of another person. He knew he would never be able to ask for it, so he lifted his arms to hug himself to find some comfort. He looked down, trying to avoid the pinning looks. He felt vulnerable and exposed. Yamaguchi had been the only person he had let in, who had seen what he was truly like. But even he hadn’t seen everything. It was frightening to have someone else trying to get through, even when he had wanted it to happen. Change terrified him, filled him with anxiety. It was almost too much. So he did what he always did; put on his emotionless mask to hide. 

Nishinoya sighed as he retreated a few steps. It was as if he had been defeated. For a moment he had had a hopeful expression on his face. Tsukishima thought it was because he had been caught off guard and his feelings had been too visible. Maybe they had thought he really would open up to them. For a moment, he had thought so too.

“Look, we can’t force you talk to us, but please, talk to  _ someone _ .” Tanaka said quietly as he stepped closer instead and gently squeezed Tsukishima’s shoulder. The touch he was craving for. He exhaled and pressed his fingers in his skin to stop them from moving. He couldn’t trust himself to not stop Tanaka from pulling away.

“Thanks.” He breathed out, surprising himself. He hadn’t meant to say that. But there was no response, and Tsukishima wasn’t sure if the older boys had heard him. When he finally dared to look up, he saw the soft smiles on their faces.  
Apparently they had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could make this chapter better. Nishinoya and Tanaka being good senpais gives me so much life, and they deserve better than what I can come up with.  
> But, after writing this for so many days I felt like I should just put it out.


	6. Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima was walking on a thin line, and it doesn't take a lot to push him off.

Tsukishima stared at Kuroo with an emotionless expression. He knew Kuroo was only trying to provoke him, to get him want to prove the others wrong. To show them, and himself that he could surpass Hinata. But somehow Kuroo had managed to find a weak spot in him, a subject that made his insides tighten painfully. 

Kuroo was right though. Hinata would always be ahead of him, no matter how short he was. Tsukishima may have the height and brains, but there was something in Hinata that made him extraordinary. Tsukishima felt like he was looking at Hinata’s retreating back, as he went ahead and reached for the skies. Tsukishima exhaled quietly, pulling his mask on again. A mask with the fakest smile he had worn in a long time.   
“I don’t think it can’t be helped.” 

Luck was on his side and he was offered a way out of the situation, which he took immediately. He had to use all of his concentration not to run when he finally turned away from the gym. It was hard to breathe, and he needed to get out soon. All sounds around him disappeared as he hurried, his head feeling heavy and stiff. He walked with his gaze locked on his feet, no particular destination in mind. There might have been people he passed, but he ignored them. He even might have ran into someone, but he couldn’t stop to apologize. He needed to get somewhere where he could be alone, and he needed to get there fast.

He walked. And walked. His vision started to blur, eyes tingling painfully from the salty tears. Right. He was crying.   
Tsukishima let out a groan and lifted his glasses on his forehead, so he could wipe the tears away. He couldn’t cry now. But he couldn’t stop the tears from running down his cheeks. 

He wasn’t sure where he had ended up to, but eventually his legs stopped moving. He leaned against a wall in defeat, and slowly slid down. His sobs were silent, shoulders shaking uncontrollably. They say crying can be good for you. At that moment Tsukishima couldn’t understand how it could be. It hurt. It hurt so much. He could feel his whole body reacting to his grief. His face was twisted in an ugly frown, headache threatening to come with the tears. He hugged his knees close, trying to bring even the slightest bit of comfort for himself.

It wasn’t like Kuroo’s words were that hurtful, but they started the domino effect, where his thoughts went from one to another, creating a loop that wouldn’t end. No matter how insignificant the feeling was, the pain multiplied it. The smallest problem in his life felt like a wall he could not get past, no matter how much he tried. He let out a whimper, wanting to let the agony out with a scream. But he couldn’t let anyone hear, so he palmed his clothes, trying to distract himself. He fell down on his side, grabbing a bunch of grass, pulling it hard.

He was tired of feeling this way. He was tired of the sleepless nights with the heavy thoughts that wouldn’t let him be. He was tired of the tears, the pain that squeezed his insides. He was so tired of living. 

When the tears finally ended and the tremors stopped, he just lay there, cheek resting on the soft grass. It smelled like dirt, but it was somehow calming. It made him feel like he was still alive. Like there was still something that held him in place, letting him absorb the energy of the earth. He took long breaths, not sure where the breakdown had come from. It was pathetic. All Kuroo did was try to get him to want to keep up with the rest of the team. But it had broken him. Again. He had already given up, there was no way he’d ever be able to be on the same line with Hinata. But someone else telling him that, even as a joke… It hurt. But instead of encouraging him, all it did was make him want to stop everything. But why did it hurt so much, even when he didn’t really care much about the sport?

Tsukishima didn’t know how long he had been there, wherever it was. He had just laid there, staring in front of him, without really seeing anything. He felt drained. He supposed he should’ve gone to bed a while ago. The thought made him anxious. If it was late, people were sure to notice his absence. That would lead to more unwanted attention on himself, and he really didn’t want to deal with that. 

He wondered if he could just stay there longer, so the others would be sleeping when he’d get back. Unless they wouldn’t go to bed before knowing where he was. That was entirely possible, and even likely. They did have a curfew. After the confrontation by Tanaka and Nishinoya, he thought they’d at least try to find him. Yamaguchi too. Especially him. His best friend tended to worry about things, sometimes even too much. So it was likely that he wouldn’t be able to sleep until Tsukishima returned.

That was when he remembered actually having his phone with him. He usually kept it turned off during practice, and hadn’t remembered to turn it on again, having left in such a hurry. He sighed. The phone lit up, blinding his eyes for a moment. It took a while, but the messages started flooding in. The phone kept vibrating. It was almost midnight already, and Tsukishima knew he was screwed. 

Most of the messages were from Yamaguchi, as he expected.   
_ It’s almost curfew. Where are you?  _ __   
__ Are you alright?  
_ Tsukki?  
_ __ Please let me know you’re ok

Tsukishima felt terrible. He didn’t want to make Yamaguchi worried. He deserved to be happy, no drama from a shitty friend.   
“I really don’t deserve him..” Tsukishima murmured to himself, moving on to Tanaka’s messages. They were more aggressive, demanding him to reply immediately, bombarding him with empty threats that Tsukishima knew were Tanaka’s way of worrying. At least when it came to Tsukishima. Even so, he still couldn’t understand why they would care about someone like him. 

Sighing, he slowly got up. Everything hurt. His head felt like it could explode and his limbs ached from lying on the cool ground for so long. The phone in his hand started ringing, making his heart jump and beat way too fast. He hadn’t expected anyone to manage to call so soon after he had turned it on. He let out a small groan and ran a hand through his hair. He wasn’t sure if he could deal with talking with someone right now, but at the same time he knew he’d have to let people know he was ok. Luckily it was Yamaguchi, so he answered.

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi shouted, sounding surprised, before Tsukishima could say anything. Soon he could hear Yamaguchi tell someone about him answering. There were multiple voices in the background, and they sounded worried, but also mad. That really didn’t help with not wanting to face them. How could he go back now? Tanaka and Nishinoya had expressed their worry just yesterday, and now he had just disappeared without saying anything. They’d probably be disappointed and mad. As much as he told himself he didn’t care, there was still a part of him that wanted to please them.

“Where the hell are you, Tsukishima??” Tanaka’s voice boomed, making Tsukishima wince. He was right, they  _ were  _ disappointed. What could he say? He wasn’t sure where he was. And he definitely didn’t want to get back now. He’d surely have to explain himself. He couldn’t just go and tell the truth. 

“I…” He started, but it sounded hoarse and broken. He heard a sharp inhale from the other side.

“Wait, are you ok?” It seemed like Tanaka had stolen the phone from Yamaguchi. He thought he heard Nishinoya scold Tanaka for not being more considerate. 

“Do you need someone to get you?” Tanaka then continued, voice sounding a bit frantic.

Tsukishima remained silent, breathing heavily. He was afraid to speak. Tanaka’s voice became distant and unclear, and it was difficult to focus on listening to the words. Tanaka kept talking, asking him questions, but he didn’t answer. It wasn’t until he heard Yamaguchi’s voice in the background, that he came back to the moment. He shook his head, trying to get rid of the weird blanket of silence and isolation.

“Sorry. I’ll be there in a moment.” He said, finally managing to get his voice to work. He didn’t let them a chance to react by ending the call. With a sigh Tsukishima started walking, trying to figure out where he was. It seemed like he had went to a farther part of the school area, behind some buildings. It was a dark and quiet spot, perfect for getting his privacy. He put the location into his memory, so he’d be able to return if needed. He was fairly certain such a moment would come.

When he reached the area where the teams slept, he hesitated. He stopped to lean on a wall outside the door. He needed to gather courage. There might have been enough time do that while he walked, but he just wasn’t ready yet.   
He didn’t expect Kuroo to appear next to him. The older boy kept a small distance as he also leaned against the wall. Perhaps he worried of getting in Tsukishima’s personal space. It was strange, since Kuroo had been rather touchy-feely earlier. They stood there together, the silence between them rather comfortable. 

“I’m sorry for what I said.” Kuroo finally said with a soft voice, glancing at Tsukishima with a look that he couldn’t quite read. It was confusing. Why was he looking at him like that? When he couldn’t understand the look in Kuroo’s eyes, Tsukishima hummed quietly, letting the other know he had acknowledged the apology. It looked like Kuroo wanted to say something more, the way his mouth kept opening and closing. But it seemed like he decided not to, since he let out a rather deep sigh, looking ahead again. Silence fell between them once more.

They stood there for a while, listening to the silence. Tsukishima wondered if there was more to Kuroo than he had originally thought. To him it had seemed like the older boy was just too much. But now, there was a seriousness that Tsukishima hadn’t seen before. It wasn’t the kind he saw during volleyball matches. But he couldn’t quite decide what made it different.

“You should go in. They are worried.” Kuroo decided to break the moment then as he pushed himself away from the wall.. He gave Tsukishima a dashing smile before he left, leaving the blond boy with a strange feeling in his stomach.

Tsukishima took a deep breath before he finally went in, and was met with disappointed looks from Sawamura and Sugawara. Tanaka and Nishinoya stopped whatever they were doing in the back, and stomped to the door. Yamaguchi surprised him by pushing his way through, shielding Tsukishima from them. He was glad to see that not all of the team was awake. He really didn’t want to deal with so many people at once, especially not Hinata or Kageyama. Not when even just the look in Sugawara’s eyes was enough to make his skin crawl.   
But, instead of scolding him, Sugawara just sighed, patted his shoulder and said:  “Go to bed, we have a long day tomorrow.” He gave him a look, which seemed to tell him something. It was kind, worried, and demanding at the same time. Tsukishima could never understand how Sugawara managed to do that. He could be very supporting, but at the same time very scary. But today, Sugawara just turned away and went to his mattress. Tsukishima was left with a confused face on his face. 

“Just send us a text, next time. Ok?” Sawamura was the one to speak this time, breaking Tsukishima from his thoughts. The captain looked like he didn’t like the idea of letting it go like that, and wanted to say something more. Tsukishima thought he might actually have to talk to the captain at some point during the camp. They stood there for a moment, staring at each other. Sawamura raised his eyebrows a little, silently asking if he was ok.  
  
“Yeah.” Tsukishima whispered with an exhale. He didn’t know if it was a reply to what the captain had said, or if it was for the unasked question. The Sawamura nodded, deciding it was ok for now. He then grabbed Tanaka and Nishinoya’s shoulders, leading them away. The second-years seemed to want a word of their own with the way they were whining, but succumbed when the captain sent them a demanding look. Tsukishima was grateful for that. 

They all settled for bed, silence eventually falling in the room. Tsukishima had trouble relaxing, even though he felt exhausted, both emotionally and physically. He kept staring at the ceiling, hoping for sleep to come. But he didn’t feel uncomfortable, like he often did when he suffered from insomnia. For once he didn’t have any thoughts in his mind. It was a blissfully empty feeling, and not in a bad way. He was calm.   
  
“Tadashi,” Tsukishima called quietly, hoping the other boy was still awake. He didn’t call him by his first name very often, but right now it felt right. Yamaguchi shifted around and looked at him with a look that was almost like wonder. Tsukishima took a deep breath, and reached out with his hand. Yamaguchi mouthed a little “oh”. When he recovered from Tsukishima’s unusual behavior, he smiled brilliantly and took Tsukishima’s hand. Tsukishima let out an exhausted breath, letting all the worries be pulled out by Yamaguchi’s warm hand. They fell asleep like that, holding each other’s hands. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel less and less confident with these chapters. It was my plan to step out of my comfort zone as the story progresses, but it's also making me feel like I'm doing a lot worse. I'm sorry if it is so.
> 
> Also, Kuroo finally showed up :)


	7. Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima didn't think he'd get no comments about last night.

Tsukishima woke up feeling unusually refreshed. Usually he would lie in bed for a long time, staring ahead while gathering the motivation to get up. Too often he felt too too empty to bother, though he always did. He needed to keep going, even when he felt like the world moved too fast around him, leaving him in fogginess. Sometimes he looked at his reflection in the mirror and did not recognize himself in it. He knew it was him, it looked like him, but something just felt foreign. He couldn’t explain it. But today things felt clear. Somehow even the colours around him were crisp and bright.

When he looked around himself, he noticed he was the only one in the room. Where was everyone? He checked the time and jumped up; they were supposed to get up almost an hour ago. No wonder everyone was gone. But he didn’t understand why the others hadn’t woken him up. Their captain had made it clear that everyone was supposed to stick with the schedules. He had already broken their trust just yesterday. If anything, he imagined he should be the one to work extra hard to meet their expectations. But there he was, alone because he had overslept. He also couldn’t understand how _he_ didn’t wake up with all the rustling and talking around him. His teammates weren’t known to be quiet in the mornings, so it puzzled him. What was going on?

‘Oh well’, he thought and went ahead to get ready for the day. Perhaps he could just get ready and wait for the first scheduled practice. Someone was bound to come back at some point, so he should just wait. He was washing his face when he heard someone running in the corridor.  
  
“Tsukishima!” The familiar voice of Nishinoya came from the door, soon followed by the boy himself. Great. It just _had_ to be him. The libero smiled broadly when he spotted Tsukishima, and came over to slap him in the back. Tsukishima wondered if he’d ever stop that habit. Probably not.

“Time for breakfast!” Nishinoya exclaimed happily, starting to drag Tsukishima by his arm, before he even managed to dry his face.

“I’m fine.” Tsukishima grunted as he pulled his arm from the grip and tried to get back to his mattress. Maybe he could get some more rest before the day started properly and they’d have to go practice. However, his short senpai did not approve.

“Nonono, you’re coming with me and eat breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day!” The libero started pushing the taller boy towards the door. Tsukishima resisted lazily, but that only made Nishinoya more determined.

“Besides, you really need to eat more. You’re already too thin!” Nishinoya preached and poked Tsukishima’s sides, hitting his ribs. The taller boy jumped at the unexpected touch, trying to get away from the tickly feeling. Nishinoya seemed to notice this and luckily, instead of poking him more, went back to just gently pushing him towards the cafeteria. Tsukishima let out a deep sigh and rolled his eyes, but let himself be guided. However, Nishinoya seemed to change his mind and have another idea. He put an arm in front of Tsukishima’s chest to stop him.

“Tsukishima.” Nishinoya’s expression had become serious. He stared at Tsukishima, making the taller boy fidget. Was the libero going to be the first one to scold him about last night? But Nishinoya remained silent, just staring at Tsukishima intently. Why wasn’t he saying anything? The look was too similar to the one Sugawara had given him last night, and it made him nervous.

“Look around you.” Nishinoya finally spoke. Tsukishima frowned. What? He automatically let his gaze wander around, trying to figure out what the libero was talking about. Nishinoya shook his head, murmuring something, but not saying anything more about it. It was now Nishinoya’s turn to fidget. Tsukishima watched as the libero rubbed his neck, looking like he was trying to think of the words to use. Finally Nishinoya sighed, as if he was defeated.

“Let’s go eat.” He turned around and started walking again. Tsukishima stood there, staring at Nishinoya’s back in confusion. He wasn’t disappointed; he didn’t really look forward to being scolded, but that comment was just was weird. Look around him? What was that supposed to mean? They were in a school corridor; there was nothing there.  

“Come on, Tsukishima.” Nishinoya had stopped again and looked at him expectantly. Tsukishima shook his head to get rid of the confused thoughts, and followed.

  


“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi’s face lit up when he noticed the two arriving to the cafeteria. Though he smiled, there was still worry in his eyes. Tsukishima gave his best friend a little smile to reassure him. He was fine, and right now he didn’t even have to pretend to be. When Tsukishima glanced around, he could see the rest of the team either eating or still in a line to get breakfast. There were a few greetings, so he nodded to them.

When he sat down next to Yamaguchi, the freckled boy smiled almost shyly.   
“You seemed exhausted, so we decided to let you sleep a bit longer. We had a little morning stretch before, so you didn’t miss much.” He explained. Tsukishima nodded, feeling quite grateful. He had been really worn out last night, and extra sleep definitely did good. He could feel it. He felt quite energetic for once. Though he still wasn’t sure why they would let him sleep. He didn’t want special treatment. But, this once he was grateful for it.

Tsukishima hadn’t realized Nishinoya planned to feed him personally. Well, not literally, but he was the one to put the food on his plate and bring it to him. Then the libero sat next to Tsukishima, making sure he’d eat it all. To his own surprise, Tsukishima actually felt quite hungry and didn’t really even need Nishinoya to bother him, even when there was a lot more food than he’d usually eat. He wondered if last night had drained him this much.

They talked about everything and nothing. Or more like the others talked and he listened, nodding once in a while to let them know he was listening. He was glad no-one mentioned last night, and mostly talked about today’s practice matches. Tanaka had also joined them at some point. He seemed to want to say something to Tsukishima; he kept looking at him with a weird look. His hands twitched and his mouth opened multiple times, wanting to voice his thoughts, but one look from Yamaguchi and he backed out. It was times like these when Tsukishima was glad for Yamaguchi’s friendship. He didn’t really know if he could handle Tanaka’s aggressive way of handling things right now.

Tsukishima was aware of the looks he got from the other teammates as well, but pretended to not notice them. It was slightly distressing, seeing them look at him and whisper to each other. Well, that was what he thought they were doing, certainly looked like it. Hinata especially was sending him strange looks, frowning while he stuffed his face with food. Most of his upperclassmen wore concerned expressions, making him feel uncomfortable. They weren’t friends. Why were they acting like they were?

Luckily his discomfort was noticed by the captain, or more likely by Sugawara, who had notified Sawamura.  
“Ok, first warm-up starts at 10, be sure to be ready by then.” Sawamura announced, taking their attention to himself.   
“Also Hinata, don’t eat too much! You’re going to get sick,” he warned, and not without reason. It looked like Hinata was eating for three people. There were a few laughs, and Hinata scowled with a whine. Apparently Sawamura had distracted his teammates enough, since they didn’t seem to mind Tsukishima that much afterwards. One after another people started leaving the cafeteria, to do whatever they wanted to do before the scheduled practices would start.

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi eventually went back to the team’s room. Tsukishima decided he needed to stay away from his teammates for a bit. He was certain someone would try to talk to him if he stayed put. But he was in a good mood, he didn’t want to think about yesterday and ruin the feeling. He took his headphones and wandered outside. It was a sunny morning, warm but still a slight coolness hanging in the air. He wasn’t really a morning person, but this felt nice. 

It felt like a Sunday morning, when people were too lazy to wake up and everything is somewhat eerie. Streets empty and quiet, even when it’s already light. Only the sounds of nature surrounded him, though he had drowned them with his headphones. Lately, when sleep hasn’t come, he has been going out for walks in the early mornings. The feeling in the morning is very similar to the one he experiences in the evening, but still they have something that sets them apart. While in the dark he feels like he’s somewhere else, unable to reach the people who he knows are there, in the morning it feels like he’s the only one there. Like the city had been abandoned and empty, not another soul nearby. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, the refreshing air filling his lungs. He felt calm.

Or he did, until he heard a voice next to him speak. The music had covered the sounds of footsteps, so he hadn’t noticed anyone coming.

“Yo.” Tsukishima opened his eyes just enough to glance at Kuroo, who was grinning in a slightly creepy way. Kuroo had a confident air around him, and that irritated Tsukishima. He noticed that Kuroo was dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. He was sweating and breathing hard, apparently from a morning run. The older boy was now matching his pace with Tsukishima, wiping his forehead. Tsukishima decided to lower the volume of his music, thinking Kuroo would probably just bother him more if he ignored him.  
“The best time to run, when it’s not too hot yet.” Kuroo grinned.

“You don’t get to sweat enough during the matches?” Tsukishima raised an eyebrow. It truly was a bit strange. After all, they play volleyball, multiple matches a day for several days. Many, including Kuroo, even stayed for voluntary practice in the evenings. It was enough to tire anyone out. And here Kuroo was, doing an extra run. Was he crazy? He was going to overwork himself this way.  
“You do realize human body needs rest too?”

“Aww, you worried?” Kuroo’s smile broadened. He threw an arm around Tsukishima’s shoulders, the grin never leaving his face.  
“It’s a great way to scope out long-legged beauties” Kuroo winked, making something in Tsukishima’s stomach turn. What was he getting at? There weren’t any girls around, at least not there. Or maybe he had been further away? Or was he just trying to make him embarrassed? If that was the case, Tsukishima was not going to let him get that satisfaction.

“I’m not sure girls like the sight of you wheezing and sweating like a pig.” Tsukishima waved his hand to point at Kuroo, as if he was a disgusting sight. There wasn’t actually anything wrong with how Kuroo looked; hair only a little wet and a slight redness on his cheeks making him radiate in a positive way.  
Wait, what? Tsukishima shook his head in order to get his thoughts back on track.

“Who said anything about girls?” Kuroo lifted his eyebrows one at a time, a suggestive smirk on his face.

Tsukishima let out an annoyed groan and pushed the arm away.  
“Ugh, go sweat somewhere else.” Kuroo only smiled, taking a final deep breath before his breathing became even. They fell into a silence. Tsukishima kept his earphones on, but decided to keep the volume low, so he could still hear their steps on the ground. It was oddly comfortable.

Without other people around, he only saw the beautiful trees and green grass that called to him. Tsukishima wanted to take out his shoes and feel the grass under his toes. He glanced at Kuroo, wondering if he could do so without the other commenting about it. He would definitely have some sort of witty way to tease him about it. Tsukishima sighed and decided he didn’t care. So he stopped, making Kuroo raise his eyebrows, asking what the blond was up to. Tsukishima shrugged and took his shoes off, taking them in his hand and stepped on the grass. Kuroo let out a delighted noise.

“Shut up.” Tsukishima warned before the comment was voiced. Kuroo closed his mouth, but kept his smile on. Tsukishima wondered how the other boy could possibly smile so much around him. He knew he wasn’t exactly delightful company. Usually people would frown and slowly shift away from him. But not Kuroo. It was strange, but somehow not unwelcome. Kuroo stayed on the asphalt while Tsukishima walked on the grass, letting his feet caress the grass. It was soft, but at the same time a bit prickly. Tsukishima thought that was how Yamaguchi would probably describe him, if asked. He seemed to be convinced that Tsukishima was a softie somewhere under the prickly outside. Tsukishima didn’t agree.

The grass was still a bit wet from the night’s dew, making Tsukishima’s toes feel cold. But he enjoyed the feeling. It made him feel like he was being cleansed from his mistakes and bad thoughts, even if it was just for a moment. It was enough.

“Did you have breakfast?” Kuroo asked after a while, breaking the silence. Tsukishima had started to wonder when Kuroo wouldn’t be able to stand the silence anymore. It seemed this was it. Tsukishima hummed an answer.  
“Good. You need the energy.” Kuroo nodded, looking thoughtful.

“What is it with people and my eating habits lately?” Tsukishima groaned. He was used to Nishinoya’s pushing, but now Kuroo too? Why did they feel it was their place to comment on his eating habits? It wasn’t like he didn’t eat at all. He just didn’t feel hungry very often, and felt full after small amounts of food. Maybe he was a bit on the thinner side, but still totally healthy.

“Well, you _are_ tall and probably still growing. You play volleyball. You need fuel so you won’t end up collapsing some day. Wouldn’t want that to happen.” Kuroo explained, moving his hands around. Tsukishima frowned. He couldn’t understand why another team’s captain was so interested in what he did and ate. He didn’t gain anything from it, they weren’t even on the same team, like Nishinoya was. So why? For once, Tsukishima thought he should probably just ask the older boy. So he did.

“Why do you even care?”

Kuroo seemed to stop whatever he was thinking about. He rubbed the back of his head, looking a bit embarrassed.  
“Well, to be honest, when I look at you I see potential. A lot of it.” Kuroo looked directly into Tsukishima’s eyes, making the blond feel exposed. Why did it feel like Kuroo could see through him?  
“You have a great sense of the game; you are aware of your surroundings. You even have the height. You could become something great if you just wanted to.”

Tsukishima stared at the older boy, feeling doubtful. Sure, he knew he had some skills, but it didn’t take him far. There were people with so much more talent and willpower. Even when Hinata sucked, he still had so much more talent in him. Tsukishima couldn’t help but feel inferior, not able to go to the same heights as Hinata with his incredible jumping ability and raw talent.

“It seems like you just need a bit of confidence and effort.” Kuroo then continued, almost like he had read his mind. He looked at Tsukishima with a stern look on his face. To Tsukishima it seemed like he was determined to get through Tsukishima’s head, but at the same time trying to stay away.  

They stared at each other for a moment, eyes locked in a silent conversation and debate. Tsukishima eventually sighed and turned his gaze away, letting his shoulders relax.  
“I don’t see the point.” He then said with a blank expression on his face. He had gone through similar conversations before and it was getting a bit tiring.

“Yeah, you say that. But every time you do, don’t you think you’re just trying to convince yourself, rather than others?” Kuroo looked at him, a strange glint in his eyes. Tsukishima froze, the comment hitting the back of his mind, where his insecurities were hiding. He wanted to say something back, to argue. But he couldn’t form the words. The look in Kuroo’s eyes softened.

“It wouldn’t hurt to let others help you from time to time, you know.” Kuroo said quietly, looking like he knew he had probably crossed the line. Tsukishima’s breath hitched. Where did that come from?

“What are you talking about?” Tsukishima huffed, turning his face away. He didn’t like where this was going. He bent down to put his shoes on quickly. They felt disgusting with his wet feet, but he didn’t care about it right now.

“Just that.” Kuroo answered with a smile, but didn’t explain it further. That frustrated Tsukishima. Why couldn’t people just tell him what they meant? It was almost like Kuroo was imitating Nishinoya with his cryptic comments. He shook his head, letting out a breath when he realized Kuroo was probably not going to elaborate.

“I’m going.” He finally grunted and pushed past Kuroo, steps faster than before. His chest felt tight, because he knew the other boy had a point. Tsukishima kept insisting he didn’t see a reason for getting better. The thing was, he didn’t have to tell himself that as often as he did. And yet, he kept telling himself it was useless to try. Kuroo had a point and it made Tsukishima furious. So he stomped back inside, heading for the room his team was residing in.

Kuroo was left standing there, looking at the retreating back of Tsukishima with a little smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't know how to write Kuroo. :S
> 
> Also if you'd like to cry about Haikyuu, Tsukishima, or whatever, come talk with me on tumblr: deirie.tumblr.com


	8. Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroo wants Tsukki to eat, even if it means bribing him with cake.

They weren’t doing much better today either. They still weren’t in sync, and their attacks were were all over the place. Tsukishima wasn’t doing any better; he had found himself lost in thought multiple times during the practices. Sometimes he would get back to the moment, realizing he had no idea what had happened for the last few minutes. He did play his part, but it was almost as if he was on an autopilot. However, if he was asked, he probably wouldn’t be able to answer what exactly has been on his mind, or what would make him so distracted. Every time he came to, everything from his mind seemed to get wiped out. It was both a relief and an annoyance. If he didn’t know he had gone through something in his mind already, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from thinking about it again and again. Not that it ever  _ really _ stopped him. The same thoughts always plagued his mind.

After a loss, they were doing yet another diving penalty, when Tsukishima hit his elbow on the floor awkwardly. He hadn’t been focused on the dive. It was stupid. He knew the chance of getting hurt was higher if you didn’t focus. And yet, here he was. The pain shot through his whole arm. He let out an annoyed groan and cradled the elbow, catching Yamaguchi’s attention. 

“Tsukki? You alright?” His best friend asked, worry written on his face. Again. Lately Yamaguchi had been wearing a concerned frown more often than usually, making Tsukishima feel guilty. It would be better if Yamaguchi didn’t have to deal with the his problems. Tsukishima sighed, not really happy about Yamaguchi noticing. It wasn’t a big deal. The pain was now just a dull ache, nothing serious. Sure, it could have been worse, but he was lucky this time. He’d know better from now on. He would not let himself be distracted during a game anymore.

“Yeah, just landed wrong.” Tsukishima shrugged, rolling his arm around to show it wasn’t bad. Yamaguchi nodded, but kept his eyes on him. Tsukishima knew Yamaguchi would worry, probably more than the others, but he really didn’t want him to. There were more important things to worry about.

“Seriously. I’m fine.” He said, maybe a bit too harshly, since Yamaguchi seemed to wince. Shit. That wasn’t his intention, no matter how annoyed he was. Yamaguchi didn’t deserve it.  He deserved better than him. Tsukishima sighed. The thoughts, his demons were flooding back in. And he had thought the day was going fairly good. Apparently not.

 

After the penalty, it was lunch time for them, so the teams went to the cafeteria. Some were running like their lives depended on it, others, including Tsukishima, took their time. He wasn’t hungry, and to be honest, eating so soon after another match didn’t suit him. It was why he was trying to take as long as he could to get to the cafeteria.

Eventually they did end up there, and unfortunately the lines weren’t that long, so it didn’t take too long to get food. Tsukishima sat down with Yamaguchi, as he always did, and looked at the food. He poked at it, not really feeling it. It wasn’t like he didn’t like the food, but he just had no appetite. If only they had some more time before lunch, then it would be a different case. He could see, from the corner of his eyes, that Nishinoya and Tanaka were looking at him while whispering intently with each other. Tsukishima sighed, trying to get mentally ready for the inevitable confrontation. However, it was another person who threw his tray next to his and sat down with a loud thud. 

“Don’t tell me you forgot what we talked about earlier,” Kuroo nodded at Tsukishima’s food that he was poking. “You should eat that.” He continued, looking at Tsukishima’s eyes with a demanding, but mischievous gaze. 

“Right!” Nishinoya almost squealed as he crawled to sit on the opposite side of the table with Tanaka. Tsukishima exhaled in defeat. Great. Three people ganging up on him about this. They meant well, but it was getting a bit annoying. Could he not get through a day without getting pushed about this?

“I’m not hungry” Tsukishima tried, even though he knew it was a futile attempt. He knew the others were trying to help, trying to care for him. But he didn’t want them to. He was perfectly fine. Well, mostly fine. 

“Still, you need it.” Tanaka looked frustrated at him. It wasn’t a big surprise. Tsukishima hadn’t really acted any better after the “talk” with Tanaka and Nishinoya. Tanaka was a person who wanted to see results. So of course he’d be disappointed, when Tsukishima hadn’t changed at all. If anything, he had changed for the worse. They had asked him to talk to someone, and he hadn’t. To be honest, he hadn’t really even planned on it. He didn’t want to bother others about the thoughts that filled his nights. And apparently his days too. But he needed to learn to deal with it by himself. 

“Listen, glasses. I know we don’t really have a say here. You are allowed to eat as much or little as you want. Maybe we are being too pushy. But we just want you to be healthy.” Kuroo spoke with a soft voice, sounding very sincere. It still baffled Tsukishima. Even though Kuroo had explained his reasoning earlier, it was still hard to believe and accept. Kuroo smiled in a way that was both radiant and nervous. He probably knew he was being manipulative.

“I don’t want your help.” He hissed, making the older boys look at each other. They looked almost guilty. Tsukishima frowned. Why? He was the one who should probably feel guilty. They were trying to help him, even if their methods were questionable. But still. He should at least acknowledge their effort somehow. But he felt defensive, retreating back behind his walls.

“Tsukki.” Yamaguchi was surprisingly the one to speak, bringing the blond back to the moment. Tsukishima turned his head in surprise, eyes widening slightly.

“They’re right, you know.” Yamaguchi was wearing a strange, sad smile. Tsukishima stared at him, not sure what to say. His best friend had always stayed silent during these kinds of moments, not taking sides. Was this why? He agreed with them? Somehow the thought made Tsukishima annoyed. He wished Yamaguchi would voice out his opinions more. And now, when he did, it was about this? Tsukishima felt cornered. He  _ knew _ it wasn’t like they were his enemies. The only “enemy” was Kuroo, and that was only on the court. 

“Ok, how about this”, Kuroo started, bringing Tsukishima’s attention to him instead. Maybe it was intentional, to save him from the doubt and questions.

“Maybe you could eat just a bit now, and I’ll treat you to something later?” Kuroo was grinning again, making Tsukishima lean away from him slightly, a doubting expression on his face. What was the shady captain up to now?

“I’m not a kid who needs to be bribed with dessert.” Tsukishima grunted, squinting his eyes a bit as he watched Kuroo’s grin that never faded. In fact, his comment seemed to amuse the boy, making the grin wider.

“I’m aware.”

Tsukishima let his gaze run from one person to another, looking at their expressions. There was a mixture of concern and determination. Tanaka looked like he’d nag him for the rest of the day if he didn’t listen to them. They stared at each other for a while, Tanaka’s intent gaze piercing him. Eventually Tsukishima let his shoulders drop as he let out yet another sigh. Maybe he could make Kuroo buy him strawberry shortcake. That would be good.

“Fine.”

He ignored the happy sounds the other boys were making as he started eating.

 

Whack. Slam. The volleyball hit the ground. Tsukishima had found himself blocking for Bokuto again. It hadn’t been his intention when he had approached the boys from the 3rd gym to ask about their passion for volleyball. Bokuto could be irritating and way too enthusiastic, but his words did make some sense. Tsukishima didn’t know if Bokuto’s ways would apply to him, but still his words filled him with the doubt. He felt confused. People told him about reasons to keep going, but it didn’t make it any easier for him. It was more like they were throwing obstacles in front of him, forcing him to do something about them. Even Yamaguchi had stood up to him, letting his feelings known. As much as Tsukishima appreciated him and was proud of his friend for speaking his mind, it still made him feel suffocated. Tsukishima sighed. He was being pathetic. Pathetic.

But maybe he could find a purpose. Maybe it wasn’t all in vain. Maybe he could try to give a little more of himself to the sport. Or life. It wouldn’t hurt to try  _ a bit _ harder, even when he still wasn’t too certain about it. Yamaguchi said it was about pride. That you don’t need any other reason to keep going and getting better. And to be honest, Tsukishima knew he had the pride somewhere in him. Somewhere. He was a proud person. He didn’t want to do badly in anything he did. But at the same time he lacked the will to take it further. But, maybe he could rediscover the hidden pride and find a meaning for the things he did.

He sighed. It was interesting how these people managed to wake  _ something _ in him. The older boys were clearly close with each other, but still tried to pull him in with them and shower him with… weird affection. A younger student from another school. And he wasn’t even doing much to stop them. He was baffled and confused. Somehow the older boys managed to move him, making him feel uncertain. It felt like he was being pushed, so he’d end up staggering off the path he was walking. The more he struggled, the more he was being pushed. If it kept going like that, he’d be forced to stray from the path and get lost. Where would he head to if that were to happen? It was hard to admit, but he was scared. How could these idiots with even more idiotic hairstyles make him lose his balance like this?

Tsukishima stared intently at Bokuto, reading his attacks. For such a goofy person, Bokuto actually seemed pretty smart, sometimes words of wisdom coming out of his loud mouth. It was a strange concept he hadn’t been familiar with. He wondered if Bokuto even knew about the hidden trait of his character. Probably not. Though sometimes Tsukishima thought the happy-go-lucky personality might actually be one type of a mask, just as his was the cold one. Somehow the thought made him troubled. It was surprising, but he actually hoped that wasn’t the case. He genuinely wanted Bokuto to be the happy person he seemed to be. Even if he was a bit too much for him to handle.

His gaze fell on Kuroo, who was standing next to him, ready to block Bokuto’s spikes. Tsukishima felt the heat radiating from the boy, making him both want to get closer and run away. There was something strange about Kuroo. He couldn’t make out what kind of a person he actually was. Of course he had similarities with Bokuto, but at the same time he felt mature. Well, sure, he  _ was  _ his senior, but that wasn’t it. Kuroo seemed to be aware of things, always seeing more than just the general picture. Too often Tsukishima felt like Kuroo could see through his masks. It was frightening. And still he couldn’t stop himself from inching closer.

Kuroo seemed to be a person who liked to push others, whether it was about volleyball or just general life situations. It was like he tried to get others to succeed by nudging them out from their comfort zones. Sometimes it worked. But Tsukishima didn’t really like being pushed. Usually he would stay away from a person who would try to do so. And yet, he was surprised to notice how Kuroo’s voice seemed to calm him down, but also somehow made his heart race. Being around Kuroo felt like a big contradiction.

Kuroo kept giving him tips and corrected his posture. His calloused hands were everywhere. Sometimes he was fixing Tsukishima’s arms, other times they were on his back and hips. The touches made Tsukishima jump slightly; they felt like fire, yet somehow so caring and calming. It was strange how the small contact would make him feel so satisfied. He craved for more. He  _ had _ been wanting for someone to touch him, to bring him comfort. For someone to notice him. Tsukishima’s breath hitched as Kuroo muttered yet another tip right before the next spike.

 

Eventually they stopped training. It was a good thing; Tsukishima was starting to feel like the spikes would never end, and he was running out of energy. He showered quickly, wanting to get away from the gym atmosphere as soon as possible. He wanted to rewind, to think about anything else. He didn’t know if he would be able to, but he could try. He was just about to leave the dressing rooms when Kuroo came next to him, also having showered.

“So, how about I treat you to something now?” He was smiling again. Didn’t all that smiling get tiring? To be honest, Tsukishima had forgotten about the whole thing. The day had been terribly exhausting. On the other hand he just wanted to go to bed and relax with some music. But then again, if he could get Kuroo to buy him strawberry shortcake? That sounded way too good to pass. So he nodded, which brought a delighted expression on Kuroo’s face.

“There’s a convenience store nearby, we could go see what they have?” Kuroo suggested as he gestured Tsukishima to go through the door first. When they stepped outside, Tsukishima could hear some people still practicing in the other gyms.  _ Probably Hinata and Kageyama. They never know when to stop.  _ He thought, chuckling silently. They were stupid enough to overwork themselves. It wouldn’t be a big surprise if one of them got injured one of these days. Somehow Kuroo noticed his amusement and looked strangely pleased. 

“Oho, what is it that you’re thinking about?” Kuroo asked, sounding irritatingly playful.

“Your hair.” Tsukishima let a grin of his own show on his lips. He wasn’t going to let Kuroo have it easy. But it was one of the things he liked about Kuroo. He could handle Tsukishima’s snarky comments, which often pushed other people away.

“How cruel, you wound me!” Kuroo dramatically put his hand on his heart, pretending to have been hit. Tsukishima rolled his eyes, but couldn’t hide his amusement as he noticed Kuroo touching his hair.

“You’re a natural blond, right?” Kuroo turned the subject to him. Of course he would.

“Yes. Why?” Tsukishima tilted his head, raising an eyebrow.

Kuroo shrugged. “It’s rare. Looks great, though.” The comment made Tsukishima feel his cheeks get warmer. What was with these weird compliments Kuroo kept throwing at him? He coughed, hiding his mouth with his hand. He didn’t know how to respond. Should he even respond? He decided not to. It seemed like Kuroo didn’t have anything to add, so they fell into a silence. It wasn’t uncomfortable, which made Tsukishima relieved. Though, he was quite used to silence. His life has been filled with it. He lived in a quiet bubble, ignoring the sounds that were around him. Anything outside was unnecessary, and he would ignore them. He was used to it. But that doesn’t mean he always liked it.  

“So, Tsukki. Have you thought about what Bokuto said yet?” Kuroo asked with a bit more serious tone in his voice. Tsukishima almost stopped walking at the sound of his nickname. It sounded strange in Kuroo’s voice.

“Ugh. Could you not call me that?” Tsukishima groaned as he shoved his hands into his pockets. Way too many people seemed to have picked up on the nickname Yamaguchi had for him. Well, anyone else than Yamaguchi was too many. He had gotten used to it from his best friend, but hearing others use it? It was strange and unfamiliar. Yamaguchi was his best friend, he had special privileges. Now others were trying to get into his bubble. Kuroo especially seemed to have a weird interest in him. Tsukishima didn’t understand it. Did he want to be friends or something? But if he did,  _ why?  _ Tsukishima wasn’t really a friendly sort of person. People didn’t just want to become friends with him.

“Sure I  _ could _ , but I think it’s quite an adorable nickname.” Kuroo flashed a dashing smile. Tsukishima had to look away; the smile felt so.. intrusive, somehow. It didn’t help that Kuroo seemed to know the effect he was having on him. Being called adorable, even if it was just about his nickname, was embarrassing.

“Whatever. How far is that store anyway?” Tsukishima groaned, giving up. He figured there was no way to stop Kuroo from calling him whatever he wanted to. He already had called him with many weird nicknames. He had to admit, Tsukki was better than being called ‘glasses’.

“You do realize you’re avoiding the question?” Kuroo chuckled softly, looking at him from under his brows, making him look like he had an ulterior motive.

“Huh?” Tsukishima frowned. Wait, Kuroo did ask him something. What was it? He had been so caught up in the nickname that he had totally ignored the rest of Kuroo’s words.

“Have you thought about what Bokuto said?” Kuroo repeated. Tsukishima lifted his chin, letting out an “oh”, thinking the question through for a second.

“No, yes, uhh.” Tsukishima struggled with his words. Usually he would have a response to almost anything, but somehow the question caught him off guard. He didn’t know what to say. What could he? He couldn’t really deny he had thought about Bokuto’s words. For such a short time, he had thought about them a lot. Things just hadn’t become any clearer from all the thinking.

“Don’t worry if things don’t make sense yet. Take your time to think about it.” Kuroo nodded a few times. Tsukishima looked away, not wanting to see the piercing gaze that made him feel exposed.

He sighed softly. The thing was, he  _ had _ been thinking. And he thought too much. Every moment he didn’t have something else to concentrate on, his thoughts went back to the same things. And he would think. Over and over again. Even the positive things were morphed into something dark and distressing when he couldn’t stop the thoughts from flooding in. He sometimes felt it was one of the reasons he found it hard to handle life.

But hearing someone else, hearing Kuroo, tell him not to worry about it… It felt good. He could try to tell himself he was in no hurry, but it would never have the same effect as another person’s words did. He could take some time. He didn’t need to find the answers right now. Even though the decisions and not knowing was making him anxious. He had been thinking of quitting volleyball, since it wasn’t like he was passionate about it. He could give his spot on the court to others who didn’t get the chance to play regularly. To others who loved the sport. But still, thinking about letting go was making him feel strange. There was a wave of discomfort, squeezing his insides whenever he thought of quitting. So he wondered if something in the back of his mind still wanted it. Still wished to find the love and passion for volleyball. 

He wanted to experience it. _The moment._ He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to feel it, the joy and pride. The satisfaction. Maybe he never would. Maybe there would never be a moment of succeeding for him. But he did know that he’d never find out, if he quit now.

He was brought back to the moment by Kuroo’s voice.

“Ah, here we are!” Kuroo exclaimed happily, pointing at the store that had come in sight. The lights were harsh in the dark; cold and too bright. Tsukishima wasn’t happy about going in; it was hurting his eyes. But he was willing to ignore his feelings for cake. So, they entered the convenience store. It was even more bright inside, making Tsukishima blink a few times as he tried to get used to it.

“So, what do you want?” Kuroo was looking at him expectantly. Tsukishima smiled a little and pushed past the older boy, heading towards his goal. He was glad to see the store still had strawberry shortcake. It was a bit late, so they could have been sold out. Tsukishima picked up the one that looked the best, cradling it in his hands. Kuroo caught up with him and looked at Tsukishima’s prize. He was still smiling broadly.

“It looked like you were on a hunt.” Kuroo looked as if he wanted to wink. He grabbed one for himself as well, making Tsukishima wonder why. Did he actually like the cake as well, or was there some other reason for it?

But he shrugged, even though it was true. He really was on a hunt. 

“I like strawberry.” He replied, looking at the cake in his hands. It looked delicious. 

“Good to know.” The look on Kuroo’s face held something. His eyes were glinting, as if he had found out something great. Though, since it was Kuroo, it could mean anything. Tsukishima was used to reading people, but Kuroo was… He didn’t know what he was. Tsukishima couldn’t look away. He tried to understand what that look was about, but couldn’t figure it out.

They went to pay, Kuroo of course treating to Tsukishima’s cake as he had promised. Then they started to head back to the school area, Kuroo mostly chatting about the area and stuff while Tsukishima stayed silent as he held his cake carefully. He almost couldn’t wait to get back. The cake was tempting him. Luckily it didn’t take too much time. Kuroo was filling the silence with a chatter about whatever. When they did reach the school, they sat down on the grass to eat.

“You can’t see a lot of stars in Tokyo.” Kuroo was looking up, staring at the dark sky. Tsukishima just hummed, not really caring about the sky right now. He had something better to focus on. He opened the package of his cake, and finally got to taste it.

It was heaven. The wonderful taste of strawberry was just right, and the flavours were in a nice balance. Sure, he had had better cake in the past, but this was great as well. He had to close his eyes as he exhaled through his nose; a long, satisfied sigh. He could feel his whole body relax with the sweetness.

Kuroo still hadn’t opened his package. 

“But at least the moon is looking beauti...ful.” Kuroo’s struggling with the last word made Tsukishima turn to look at him. Kuroo was not looking at the sky as he had been a moment before; instead his eyes were fixated on Tsukishima. Kuroo’s eyes were soft, and for once his lips weren’t curved in a smile. The expression made Tsukishima feel embarrassed. For a moment it was silent between them. They looked at each other, and Tsukishima realized he hadn’t really looked at Kuroo properly before. It was dark, making his skin look flawless. The intense eyes were staring at him. Kuroo looked more relaxed than Tsukishima had ever seen him. Kuroo surely didn’t usually seem tense, but at this moment he was different. Maybe it was the expression; it was quite neutral. A hint of wonder in his eyes.

Eventually Tsukishima had to look away. Somehow this look on Kuroo felt too intimate, like he was seeing something he shouldn’t. It was like Kuroo had started living for the first time again. No worries, no past experiences in his eyes. This sort of expression was for the people Kuroo was close with. Tsukishima certainly was not one of them.

He finished his cake in peace, savoring the sweet taste. He could see Kuroo glancing at him from time to time while eating his own cake. Tsukishima wondered what was on the older boy’s mind. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but always decided against it. Eventually, after he had finished his cake, Kuroo flopped down on his back and gazed at the sky again. Tsukishima felt calm and was in no hurry, so he decided to do the same. It was true; the stars weren’t very bright, but the moon shone beautifully, maybe even more brightly than usually.

“Tsukki?” Kuroo broke the silence. His voice sounded soft, almost like a whisper. It was deep and warm, making Tsukishima shiver. 

“Hmm?” Tsukishima responded with an equally quiet hum, which sounded rough and throaty compared to Kuroo’s. 

“You will figure it out.”

Tsukishima turned his head to find Kuroo looking back, a small smile back on his face. And for that moment Tsukishima felt warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for taking so long with this chapter. It really didn't want to get written, and I've had so much trouble with it. I also started a new job, so it has been taking more time.  
> There are some parts here that might be... problematic, but I do want to show that even with good intentions you may not always do the right thing. I don't know.   
> But, I think it's time to move on now and get on with the next chapters. 
> 
> I've planned at least 20 chapters for this fic, so hopefully I'll be writing for a long time. :)
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	9. No regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga wants to talk with Tsukishima about things.

Everyone was staring at him. He had only asked if they truly didn’t actually have to stop Bokuto’s spikes. Was asking a question really that weird of him to do? Well, he could answer it himself. It probably was. He rarely asked questions about game strategy. He just did as he was told to do. But still, it shouldn’t be that shocking. The eyes on him were wide with surprise. From the corner of his eye he could see Nishinoya’s expression lighten up. He guessed this was something Nishinoya and Tanaka wanted him to do in order to change. This was a way of showing interest in the game, wasn’t it?

When they started the game, he could feel a few gentle touches on his back. In the crowd he wasn’t sure who they were.

He could see the surprised looks and pleased smiles, barely visible but still there, when Bokuto didn’t hit the ball with all his power. They noticed the difference. Bokuto had been thrown off guard, and it was because of _him._ Even though Bokuto did get a point and his block failed, Tsukishima could feel something shifting. He was more aware of his body. When he moved in for a block, his legs felt strong and stable. As he jumped, the energy moved from his legs into his arms and fingertips. He could almost swear he felt his fingers tingling from all the energy moving through them. It still wasn’t a big change; most of the time he still didn’t feel confident or capable. But _something_ was changing. It wasn’t a bad feeling, but at the same time it was frustrating. There was a long way to go if he ever wanted to actually stop Bokuto.

Tsukishima glanced around, an emotionless mask on his face again. Sawamura and Tanaka were whispering to each other, looking between Bokuto and him. He didn’t let others see his momentary satisfaction. He couldn’t deny there was something great about seeing Bokuto hesitate. If only he could properly block him. That must feel even better, making him shut up, as Kuroo had worded it. Tsukishima wondered if he ever could.

He turned around and spotted Hinata. The boy who was way too loud in every way. He was all over the place, moving around excessively. The boy who was simple-minded, even if he did have his moments. The boy who was short and annoying. And yet Tsukishima envied him. He stared at Hinata, frowning. Why? Why did he want to be similar to the idiotic shorty? Was it because Hinata was a person who could make friends with everyone? No, that wasn’t it. He didn’t want to be friends with everyone. He was content with Yamaguchi’s company. But there were times when he wished there were others. If he poured everything to Yamaguchi, his best friend might not be able to take it all. Maybe it would drive him away. Tsukishima didn’t want that to happen.

He envied Hinata, but at the same time he wanted to surpass him. He was tired of feeling like Hinata was running in front of him, always leaping further away with each step Tsukishima took. He wanted to get past him. But was it going to be possible? And what good would it do? Tsukishima realized he had been staring at Hinata, with a harsh expression. Hinata was staring back, intense eyes locked with his. Tsukishima exhaled and turned away. Did he just challenge Hinata without realizing it?

 

They still lost. And while he knew things don’t happen immediately, it was disappointing. He supposed this was how his teammates had been feeling like the whole week. They had worked so hard, only to mess up more than succeeding. He knew improvement took time, but he wanted more. He knew he had only started working and it was impossible to suddenly become great. But it didn’t stop him from feeling disappointed. How did his teammates do it? How did Yamaguchi spend every night practising his serve even when he was exhausted? Or the idiotic duo, working hard to perfect their insane attacks. How? How did they not give up?

Doubts filled his mind again, like they always did. Was this going to be all for nothing? Would he gain anything from this? He could work hard, only to end up with nothing. It would be easier to let it be. He preferred easy. Life was already too troublesome, so why should he push himself for this? Having unnecessary anxiety and pain over a sport felt stupid. He exhaled, feeling a tightness in his chest.

It was tiring to have his mind change so rapidly. He hated feeling uncertain. Sure, he had gotten used to the feeling, since his whole life was a big blank, but still he wished there was something to keep him grounded. He wondered if having dreams would help. If he had a definite goal, would he have the will to pursue it?

“Tsukishima”, Sugawara called out when they were done with the latest penalty run, “Would you mind staying for a moment?” Tsukishima sighed. He had wondered when Suga would want to talk with him. Apparently this was it. It was time to get ready for a talk he wasn’t sure he wanted to go through. The others moved down from the hill, leaving them alone. Yamaguchi gave him a smile that seemed nervous and then he joined the others. Sawamura sent them a look that looked like he was trying to speak with Sugawara wordlessly. Apparently they understood each other, since Suga nodded and smiled. How did they do it, Tsukishima couldn’t understand. With a final nod Sawamura turned and walked away. Tsukishima wondered why he decided to leave. He had thought they would speak with him together. After all, Sawamura was the captain, the person who would usually be the one to deal with these sort of things. Oh well, it was better this way. The less people around him, the better. They sat down under a tree to stay protected from the sun.

“So”, Suga started, looking at Tsukishima with a neutral expression on his face. It was kind, but also somehow stern. Tsukishima turned to look away from Suga, focusing on the other teammates, who were walking down the hill while chatting. He could almost hear Hinata’s words, even though he was already far down, having ran with Kageyama. They were way too energetic. He could never understand the stamina they had.

“I hear you’ve been practicing with Kuroo and Bokuto?” Suga brought Tsukishima’s attention back to himself. Tsukishima shrugged and lifted his arms to rest them on his knees. It was a way to feel protected, body hidden by his long legs and arms. He wished he had something in his hands. These sorts of talks made him uncomfortable, and it would be good to relieve the anxiety by fiddling with something. He ended up picking a grass, bending and breaking it with his fingers. It would do.

“Well, yes...” He wondered why Suga wanted to speak about this. He had expected to be confronted about missing the curfew. Apparently not. What was this going to be about if not that? So he played with the dorks. And Akaashi, who was the sane one. Why did Suga want to hear about that? There wasn’t anything weird about it; others practiced with the other teams as well.

“Are you okay with it? I hope they’re not pushing you into anything?” Suga’s voice was kind and sounded truly concerned. Tsukishima knew Suga could be sarcastic and witty, but this time he was the vice captain who wanted to make sure his kouhai wasn’t treated wrong. It still baffled him, having people worry about him, even with his character problems. He was reminded of Nishinoya’s words from before. About him being the annoying little brother. Perhaps he was. Perhaps the others truly thought of him as someone worth something. Enough to worry if someone was mistreating him.

No. It couldn’t be true.

“Why?” Tsukishima ended up frowning. As if he would let anyone push him into something. If he truly didn’t want to do something, he wouldn’t do it. Surely Suga was aware of that?

“The other night”, Sugawara started, rubbing his neck as he tried to form his sentences. Oh. Apparently this was about the incident after all. Tsukishima looked down in shame. It wasn’t like he felt very guilty about it. He had a breakdown; it happened to people. He was human. But still, it was never a nice feeling to have disappointed someone. He had gotten used to disappointing himself, but his team? They had never really had a reason to be proud of him either, so it felt even worse. He was the one who caused trouble.

“Kuroo came to us the next day. To apologize for what he said.” Suga clarified, still looking at Tsukishima, who sighed. Of course Kuroo would apologize to Karasuno’s captain as well. Kuroo was smart enough to realize he probably had a part in Tsukishima’s disappearance. And when a team member missed a curfew, it affected the whole team. So, as a responsible captain, it wasn’t a surprise Kuroo would try to remedy the situation somehow. And in this case it was by talking with Sawamura.

“He didn’t tell exactly what he said, but gave us the general idea. It seems to me that it affected you in a bad way, enough to make you miss the curfew. And to be honest, it worries us.” Suga rubbed the bridge of his nose, apparently trying to find out the correct words to say. ‘Us’, he said. Tsukishima wondered who was included in it. Sawamura probably. Did any of the others know?

“There was also that one panic attack before we came here…” Suga continued quietly. Tsukishima flinched. He had forgotten how much his teammates had already seen. It was too much.

“I’m not saying you should talk to us about it or about anything else, but figured I’d give you the chance to do so. I know it can be hard to ask for help, and not every moment is the right one for it. So… if it’s okay to you, I’ll be asking you if you need to talk, once in a while. You can say no, and I won’t push it.”

Tsukishima stared at Suga. His expression was calm and patient, waiting for his response.  Tsukishima sighed. It was true. It would be nearly impossible for him to reach out by himself. And like Suga said, not all moments were right for it. Sometimes you just weren’t ready. Tsukishima doubted he would ever be ready, but it was a nice thought. There would be a possibility to speak if he ever needed to. So he shrugged as he moved his gaze away.

“Okay.” He answered. Sugawara smiled radiantly and patted Tsukishima’s back gently, clearly pleased. Tsukishima couldn’t help but return the smile with his own small one. Suga saw it; the look on his eyes softened.

“So, how is Kuroo treating you? I hope he hasn’t done anything else to upset you.” Suga immediately seemed more relaxed. Tsukishima wondered if Suga had been as nervous about the talk as he had been. He himself had dreaded it, wondering when it would come and how it would go. Perhaps Suga had been wondering how to reach him. Or how he would respond. He wasn’t exactly the easiest to get along with, so his reaction could have been anything. Perhaps that had worried Suga.

“No, he’s just been teaching me.” He told, though it wasn’t exactly the complete truth either. They hadn’t only been practicing. He was reminded of yesterday’s cake adventure. Well, Kuroo had called it that for whatever reason. He had been developing some sort of… companionship with Kuroo. He wouldn’t call them friends, but they were getting closer. The weird thing was, he didn’t mind Kuroo’s company. Tsukishima still didn’t understand how it came to happen.

“So I’ve heard. How is it?” Suga tilted his head, seeming curious.

“He… has some good tips.” Tsukishima admitted. He couldn’t deny Kuroo’s talent. He was experienced and knew what he was doing. He also had the ability to teach. Some people were good players, but couldn’t tell others how to improve. The way Kuroo explained things made sense to Tsukishima. He knew exactly what was off with his blocks, and could immediately help correct it.

“I imagine he does. He is a great player. His advice is surely quite valuable.” Suga nodded. He looked like he was thinking about something. What it was, Tsukishima couldn’t guess.

“Hey, Tsukishima?” Suga wasn’t looking at him, but gazed at the blue sky. A soft breeze blew by. It felt good in the heat, after having exercised so much. Tsukishima hummed, letting the other know he was listening.

“If you ever have the need to be alone again, please send a text or something. Don’t mind the curfew too much. If you need it, it’s ok. Just... let us know.” There was a smile on Suga’s face. It was a gentle smile, the kind that made you feel like you were cared for. Like things were going to be ok, eventually. Tsukishima exhaled and nodded. It was a reasonable request. Normally he probably would have sent a text to Yamaguchi. He just had been caught off guard, the breakdown drowning him too suddenly to react. If there was to be a next time, he’d make sure to try harder.

“Alright, let’s go.” Suga stood up, offering his hand for Tsukishima. Tsukishima looked at the hand, wondering why Suga felt the need to do so. He could stand up on his own, could he not? Nevertheless, he took the hand and stood up as well, letting Suga help by pulling a little. Together they walked back down, to get ready for the next match.

 

They had somehow ended up playing 3 versus 3. Hinata had appeared along with Lev, begging to be allowed to join them. Tsukishima wasn’t too happy about this change, dealing with Bokuto and Kuroo was already quite exhausting, and Hinata alone could manage to push him off the edge. Lev wasn’t any better. Well, the good thing was that he got to play against the shrimp. It was always different to face him, rather than being on the same side. Tsukishima would never admit it, but Hinata was quite intimidating despite being short and like a brainless monkey. There was something that made Tsukishima stand on his toes. He was actually pretty glad they were on the same team. Maybe Hinata was just so unpredictable. You could never know what he could do.

Today Hinata had stood up to Kageyama. He had called him out when Kageyama had made the toss different so Hinata could hit it. Sometimes, during times like this, Tsukishima wondered if Hinata was actually more clever than he let out. He noticed things. Sure, Tsukishima could read opponents better than the others in their team, while Hinata usually played with instinct. But sometimes Hinata caught on things that even Tsukishima couldn’t see.

Tsukishima was pretty glad when they had to stop their match to go eat; he was getting tired. He could see Hinata stop moving, which he found strange. The look on Hinata’s face was oddly disheartening. For a moment Hinata looked so defeated. Tsukishima frowned. Usually Hinata loved food, but this time he just stared after the other boys. If Tsukishima was a good person, he would’ve tried to say something to him to encourage him. Luckily he didn’t have to, when Kuroo told him they would continue tomorrow. And that was how Hinata radiated pure happiness. How could the shrimp be so expressive?

Tsukishima sighed. Hinata was like a child. But it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. And while he personally didn’t like his type of personality, he wished Hinata wouldn’t change. The world needed people like Hinata, who shine brightly like the sun.

 

They had eaten, and each of them went their own ways to spend the last moments of the evening. Kuroo had tagged along Tsukishima, and Tsukishima didn’t fight it. They ended up sitting outside again. It seemed like they were starting a habit, sitting on grass with the night sky over them. This time they were drinking some beverages they got from a vending machine. Kuroo had had a strange smile on his face when he noticed that Tsukishima had chosen another strawberry flavoured thing, but never commented on it.

“You can feel it, can’t you?” Kuroo asked, looking at Tsukishima expectantly. Tsukishima furrowed his brows. Was he supposed to know what he was talking about? He let out a confused noise, which made Kuroo chuckle.

“Your efforts are already starting to pay off.”  Kuroo had a knowing look on his face. He looked… proud. It was strange. Tsukishima spread his fingers and looked at his palms. He couldn’t deny feeling different. But admitting it to Kuroo wasn’t something he wanted to do just yet. While the difference was there, it was very small. Barely enough to get any comment from Kuroo. And yet, here he was.

Of course he knew he could become better. Talent was mostly just a pursued interest. That was the point. He lacked the interest, the passion. He just never saw a purpose for getting better. And he still didn’t, not truly. He had decided to try for now, but he couldn’t help the doubts. Would it be all for nothing after all? Would he end up the same as Akiteru? Doing his best and still losing it all. He didn’t know if he was ready to face that.

Kuroo coughed, making Tsukishima realize he had been zoning off.  

“It takes time, but I’m sure you can become amazing. Not that you aren’t amazing already. Just, more amazing?” There was a faint flush on Kuroo’s cheeks. Apparently he realized how ridiculous he had sounded. Tsukishima snorted in amusement, making Kuroo seem more embarrassed.

“Hey! It’s true!” Kuroo exclaimed as he cheered up, “I’ll help you fish out your full potential” Kuroo threw his arm around Tsukishima’s shoulders, leaning heavily on him. Tsukishima groaned, but for some reason didn’t have the will fight it. The arm was heavy, but comforting. He lazily pushed the arm, just to show some resistance, but that wasn’t enough to make it leave. It was strange how Kuroo had that effect on him. He would act way too touchy-feely for Tsukishima’s tastes, but it wasn’t exactly unwanted either. Tsukishima wondered why.

“But seriously. If you’d let the stream take you to new places, you could find better ground to put your roots in, and grow into something great.” Kuroo was waving his other arm, pointing vaguely to the sky.

“Did you read that from a fortune cookie?” Tsukishima grinned.

“What, you doubting my poetic skills?” Kuroo acted offended, but his eyes were smiling. Tsukishima couldn’t stop the small chuckle that escaped his lips, which made Kuroo grin widely. It was amusing how Kuroo seemed to get so pleased by little things. He seemed especially happy when he managed to get Tsukishima smile.

“You played really well today. I could see the difference in your stance alone.” Kuroo complimented him. There it was, one of the things that was one of Kuroo’s ways of making him embarrassed. Compliments felt weird. He didn’t know how to react to them. Especially when he couldn’t agree. Was he supposed to just accept them? Say thank you and smile?

“Really?” Tsukishima straightened his posture without realizing it. He didn’t think his improvement was very visible. He himself only felt a slight shift in the wind. It wasn’t really enough to get praise for. But still, having Kuroo compliment him made him curious. What did he see?

“Yeah. Your presence was more powerful. And your blocks were a lot better. Before it seemed like you were just doing what you were programmed to do, nothing more, nothing less. Today you were actually _trying._ ” Kuroo explained. Tsukishima bit his lip. He _had_ tried, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

“And that block! You got Bokuto off guard!” Why was Kuroo being so happy about it? Bokuto still scored a point, even if he didn’t spike with full force. That was hardly worth such excitement.

“But I couldn’t stop it.” Tsukishima let his feelings known and frowned. He had failed. He still couldn’t do much when he was against a stronger opponent. Kuroo just smiled at him, shaking his head.

“No, but it made Bokuto doubt himself. _You_ did that.” Kuroo sounded oddly persistent. Like he wanted Tsukishima to feel good about himself no matter what. Oddly enough, it was working. Tsukishima looked down, thinking about it. He supposed he had done do something to have made Bokuto hesitate. It was something. Not much, but something.

“I’m proud of you.” Kuroo squeezed Tsukishima’s shoulder gently, making Tsukishima lift his head up again. He stared at Kuroo with a doubting look on his face. How could Kuroo say things like that? They barely knew each other, and here he was, praising him like they were close. Nevertheless, it felt good. It wasn’t like it was a first time he got praised by someone, but somehow this felt different. Maybe it was because he had actually made an effort on something, and having someone acknowledge it, felt good? He sighed.  

“I do feel it.” Tsukishima admitted quietly, looking down at his feet. It was hard to admit it. For so long he had been indifferent and reluctant. Now he had tried, only for a little while, to do better than that. More than “just enough”. He was trying to give more, hoping to get more.

“Yeah?” Kuroo seemed to perk up, attention fully on Tsukishima. He looked genuinely happy and pleased.

“Yeah. It’s almost like I can feel the energy flowing through my fingers.” He opened his palms repeatedly, making his blood run through them more clearly. He was startled by the hands that reached to touch his. Kuroo enveloped Tsukishima’s other hand in his, covering it with warmth. Tsukishima almost pulled his hand away, not used to such intimacy with other than Yamaguchi, but the look in Kuroo’s eyes stopped him. Kuroo wasn’t smiling now, but looked content and determined.

“That is only the first step. Imagine where you could end up if you just keep climbing.” Kuroo nodded while he kept looking at Tsukishima. He squeezed Tsukishima’s hand encouragingly, making the blond exhale sharply. The world around them fell silent, and he couldn’t look away from Kuroo. Somehow Kuroo had broken in. Pulled the mask from his face.

“What if I don’t want to climb?” Tsukishima’s voice was quiet and came out broken. He immediately regretted saying it. That wasn’t what he was supposed to. He hadn’t planned on letting Kuroo see this side of him. He shook his head in order to clear his head, but without success. Kuroo was looking at him with a somber expression. It puzzled him. Why would his life matter to someone like Kuroo?

“Then that is your decision. No-one can make you do it, if you truly don’t want to.” Kuroo answered and exhaled softly as he rubbed his neck.

“But if you do decide to not quit, promise me that you are 100% certain of it. If there’s even a little bit of something. Curiosity, doubt, anything. Don’t let it go yet. If you quit without being sure, you will end up wondering about what ifs. You don’t want that.” Kuroo sounded serious, and that was supported by the intensity of the look he was giving Tsukishima.

“I assume you speak of experience?” Tsukishima asked, wondering what could be something that Kuroo regretted. He seemed like a person who lived his life without regrets. Someone who would go to ‘adventures’ just because life was too short. Maybe there was something that had shaped Kuroo into it? A past decision that went wrong.

“Well, I suppose, in a way.” Kuroo ran a hand through his hair, looking away from Tsukishima. His other hand was still resting on Tsukishima’s. “It’s mostly about Kenma, he’s similar to you in some ways.” Kuroo shrugged. Tsukishima tilted his head. Was that truly all it was?

“I just don’t want you to regret anything. So if there’s even the slightest possibility of you still wanting to keep playing, don’t give up just yet. Give volleyball another chance” Kuroo turned to look away, looking a bit nervous.

Tsukishima’s breath stopped. He felt like this wasn’t only about volleyball. It probably wasn’t Kuroo’s intention, but to Tsukishima it felt deeper than being about a simple sport. He could apply it to his whole life situation. While Tsukishima wasn’t exactly self-destructive or anything, he wasn’t very keen on living either. It was a difficult thing, not to want to live, but not really wanting to die either. He wished he could just stop existing for a moment. The problem was, even if it was possible and he could ‘leave’ for a moment, what would it change? He would get back to the same situation, same doubts, same insecurities. No, he would have to deal with it all somehow. Kuroo’s words made his insides twitch uncomfortably. Give volleyball a chance. Give _life_ a chance?

 

“Kuroo?” Tsukishima looked at Kuroo from the side, suddenly feeling a bit nervous. He had already shown Kuroo more of him than he had planned, more than he had shown anyone else, except for Yamaguchi.

“Yea?” Kuroo hummed as he turned his attention back to Tsukishima. His eyes focused only on him, making him almost want to back out. The hand that was still resting on Tsukishima’s felt warm, thumb moving slightly in a soft caress.

“I don’t think I want to quit.” Tsukishima whispered. And he didn’t only mean volleyball, even if Kuroo wasn’t aware of that. He never looked away, even though his whole body wanted him to bolt. He felt exposed and open. Like he had somehow let Kuroo peak through a crack on his wall. A small one, but more than most had seen through. Perhaps this decision didn’t seem like much to others, not a big deal. But to Tsukishima it was. He wanted to keep trying. To find a purpose, a reason to enjoy life.

A smile found its way on Kuroo’s face. It was genuine and kind, not like the smiles that he usually shared.

“I’m glad.”

 

Later, when Tsukishima was lying on his mattress, he felt odd. His was filled with contradicting thoughts. He was pleased and disappointed. Content but distressed. Wanted to keep going but tired of trying. He curled under his blanket, trying not to get overwhelmed.

He felt a shift next to him, so he peeked from under the blanket. Yamaguchi was looking at him, offering his hand. Tsukishima exhaled, wondering how he could have someone like Yamaguchi as a friend. He could understand what Tsukishima needed, even when he couldn’t himself understand his feelings.

He took the hand, immediately feeling calmer. The thoughts were dulled by the warmth that transferred between their hands. 

“Good night.” Yamaguchi whispered, and with that Tsukishima felt the exhaustion take over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not my strongest writing, but I want to get to the next chapters already. :D


	10. Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The camp has to end at some point.

They did do extra practice again the next evening, just like Kuroo had promised to Hinata. Hinata seemed to be overly happy about this, jumping around enthusiastically. The match itself was quite uneventful, if not counting the couple sparks Hinata managed to bring out. Tsukishima could feel how the 3 versus 3 was good for him, even if he didn’t particularly want Hinata and Lev around. This was more like it would be in a real match, and he could work on his reading, as well as the actual blocking. Sure, there wasn’t that much to read, because of the limited team sizes, but it was something. A step to the right direction. Well, he couldn’t be sure if this was actually the right direction, but at least it didn’t feel like a wrong one. So it had to be at least somewhat good.

Kuroo kept giving him advice all the time, making Tsukishima ask  _ why.  _ There was no sense in training them. They would eventually be enemies. Kuroo told them that he wanted the battle between Nekoma and Karasuno to become a reality, a proper match with both of the teams at their best, and not just the best they could do today. He wanted to battle the best possible Karasuno they could become. Tsukishima couldn’t quite understand it. The concept of rivals felt strange to him, even though he was supposed to be Hinata’s rival, both of them being middle blockers. He understood why, but somehow it just didn’t make sense. Why did people have the need to compete? Why even he had the echo of a need to get past Hinata?

Even so, helping a rival to improve was even stranger, even if Kuroo gave a reason for it. Tsukishima looked at his hands, wondering if they ever would face each other. And if it did happen, would it even be before the third years would be gone? Maybe Kuroo would never have the opportunity. The thought made Tsukishima uncomfortable. He didn’t want to deny Kuroo his wish, even if it was ultimately their coach’s dream. Tsukishima may not think it would happen, but Kuroo believed. Enough to help him rediscover his will to keep playing. 

He looked at Kuroo with a frown on his face. He still couldn’t figure out why Kuroo would hang out with him even after their practices. “I’ve always been a nice person”, he had said. Even if Tsukishima had acted differently, he actually thought Kuroo wasn’t exaggerating. He truly was nice. And idiot, but a kind one. Someone anyone would be happy to be friends with. He seemed to have so much affection to give, and somehow he was giving a whole lot of it to Tsukishima. Tsukishima was starting to feel guilty. He didn’t have a lot to give back. Eventually Kuroo would realize he was getting nowhere, and would give up. Tsukishima was surprised to realize that he didn’t want that to happen.   
  


 

Eventually they had to stop their game and get dinner. Tsukishima sat with the older boys while Hinata disappeared somewhere, probably to find Kenma. Yaku had found Lev and dragged him away with a furious expression on his face. So, Tsukishima was left with Kuroo, Akaashi, and Bokuto. For a while they ate in a comfortable silence, but the peace was ruined by Bokuto.

“Hey Tsukki, you should totally give us your number!” Bokuto was grinning, mouth full of rice. It was a wonder how he managed to speak like that. Tsukishima groaned. He had been waiting for someone to ask. People tended to share numbers after some time. And they had spent some time together. Bokuto would probably go as far as calling them friends, even though they barely knew each other. To Tsukishima he seemed like a person who would call almost everyone his friend. Even him.

“No.” Tsukishima answered bluntly, making Bokuto tilt his head with disappointed eyes. 

“Why not?!” Bokuto almost cried out, making Tsukishima chuckle silently.  

“You’re too loud.” It was the truth. Bokuto was too excitable, too loud. He was too much. And yet, Tsukishima couldn’t dislike him.

“I’d just send texts.” Bokuto tried. Every second he looked more and more like a puppy, begging for treats. But instead of giving in, Tsukishima just gave him a mischievous grin.

“I’m pretty sure even your texts are loud.” 

“It’s true.” Akaashi agreed, Kuroo nodding as well. Bokuto made a face, as if he had been betrayed. 

“But don’t worry, I love your loud texts!” Kuroo threw an arm around Bokuto, giving him a few gentle nudges. Bokuto seemed to perk up at that. For a while the two seemed to have a moment of some kind, but Tsukishima couldn’t understand what it was about. Something about being bros. It was probably about something ridiculous, as always. Well, at least the two seemed happy.

“Can I have your number?” Akaashi asked after a while, holding his phone in his hands, waiting for Tsukishima’s answer. He was looking at the blond with a neutral expression, ready for any answer. Tsukishima shrugged. He didn’t really have a reason not to give his number to Akaashi. He was intelligent and calm, unlike his friends.

“Sure.” He took the phone when Akaashi handed it to him, and put his number in. This made Bokuto come back from the bro-land, and he didn’t look very happy. 

“What?! Tsukki, why does Akaashi get your number that easily?” Bokuto whined, trying to spy the number. Luckily Akaashi pocketed his phone immediately, not letting Bokuto see. Tsukishima was glad for it. He might let Bokuto have the number eventually, but for now he wanted Bokuto to squirm a bit more.

“Akaashi doesn’t call me Tsukki.” He replied, looking like that was the most obvious thing, and a reasonable reason to refuse. Bokuto looked like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“I can stop!” Bokuto insisted. It was interesting to see how persistent Bokuto was. Tsukishima wondered why he was so interested in getting his number. It wasn’t like they had gotten very close. He even had a better relationship with Hinata, who adored Bokuto. Hinata was basically his adoptive son, or so it seemed. While with Tsukishima it was almost as if he was a grumpy cat that Bokuto decided to love to death, just in case the grumpiness would somehow disappear. As if that would ever happen. 

“I know you won’t.” Tsukishima smirked, noticing how Kuroo’s lips turned upwards as well. The expression on Bokuto’s face got even more frustrated, and he pulled his hair.

“Tsukkiii~” Bokuto whined, making Tsukishima raise his eyebrows. Well he certainly wasn’t even trying; didn’t use his name even once. Truthfully Tsukishima didn’t care that much anymore. He had somehow gotten used to Bokuto and Kuroo adopting the nickname Yamaguchi had for him. Even so, he wanted to tease Bokuto a little. The idiot was so dramatic it was amusing. 

Eventually Bokuto gave up and their conversation moved to different things. They didn’t even talk about volleyball, which surprised Tsukishima. He didn’t know if they had anything else in common to talk about. Yet, he found himself having a decent conversation about science with Kuroo. But, even that didn’t last long, and the idiots started to sing some popular girl band’s song. The secondhand embarrassment was almost too much to handle, and Tsukishima covered his with his hand, trying not to look. Trying. 

The whole cafeteria seemed to join in the song for whatever reason. Tsukishima groaned as he buried his face in his arms. 

  
  


Somehow Tsukishima and Kuroo ended up sitting together again. It would be the last time, at least in the near future, since Karasuno would leave tomorrow. For some reason it made Tsukishima a bit disappointed. Just a few nights and he had already gotten used to sitting next to the older boy, talking about everything and nothing. Well, Kuroo did a lot of the talking. Still, it had become something that calmed him down, filling the evenings with something. Of course he could’ve spent the time with Yamaguchi as well, but his company was different. Tsukishima preferred being with him during the day, and having Kuroo drowning the thoughts when the darkness came. 

“Hey Tsukki? Can I have your number?” Kuroo asked suddenly, making Tsukishima turn to look at him sharply.

“So you can harass me whenever you want?” He asked, a small smile on his lips. Tsukishima had been wondering when Kuroo would ask, since he had already given his number to Akaashi. After all, they had been spending a lot of time together lately. It would be almost strange if they did not share contact information with each other. 

“I wouldn’t!” Kuroo inhaled dramatically, putting a hand on his chest, as if he was deeply offended by such accusations. That made Tsukishima snort and shake his head in amusement. 

“You would.” Tsukishima grinned slightly, making Kuroo mirror it. 

“Ok, maybe a little.” Kuroo rubbed his neck, acting sheepish. He didn’t stop grinning. 

“Why didn’t you just ask Akaashi for it?” Tsukishima looked at Kuroo, truly wondering why. It was what most people would do. One friend has a number of another, a third asks for it. Though, he might as well look for him in the social media. 

“I could’ve, but to be honest I prefer getting it from you. So that I know I have your permission to have it.” Kuroo answered, making Tsukishima huff. Kuroo was way too good with reading people. He knew when to push, but also when he should let others move at their own pace.

“That’s quite thoughtful of you.” Tsukishima’s voice was quiet. 

“What can I say, I’m a decent human being!” Kuroo had an odd smile on his face, making Tsukishima turn his gaze away.  _ Yeah. I know.  _ He thought somewhat bitterly. Tsukishima thought Kuroo was too good to be around him, just like Yamaguchi was. He would only drag Kuroo down. But still, he didn’t want to just stop now. These moments with Kuroo had been… good, for him. Kuroo had helped him in many ways, probably not even realizing how much. 

“Fine.” Tsukishima sighed. There was no stopping Kuroo. To be honest, he sort of liked the idea of having a way to talk with Kuroo after this. He didn’t really like phone calls, they made him anxious and distressed, but texting was fine. Perhaps Kuroo could distract him during his lonely evenings. But then again, it might backfire somehow. Kuroo might end up realizing how bad a person Tsukishima was and would cut ties with him. Then Tsukishima would forever regret giving his number to him.    
  
Kuroo looked at him with a confused expression. Tsukishima huffed, extending his arm with an open hand. How was it that Kuroo managed to forget what they were talking about, enough to not realize what Tsukishima was referring to. Or perhaps he had zoned out for a bit. Shit, had he? He looked back at Kuroo for a moment.

“Give me your phone.” He sighed, looking away. He missed Kuroo’s face lighting up, a radiant smile growing on his lips. 

“What, really?” Kuroo sounded doubtful, but also excited and hopeful. Tsukishima groaned, waving his arm impatiently, waiting for Kuroo to give his phone. 

“Hurry up or I’ll change my mind.” He grunted, making Kuroo jump. 

“Right, right!” Kuroo hurried to take his phone from his pocket, soon offering it to Tsukishima. He held the phone in his hands for a moment, as if he was rethinking if he actually should let Kuroo have the number. 

“Just don’t call. I won’t answer.” He finally sighed, looking at Kuroo again. The older boy seemed to twitch with anticipation, making Tsukishima chuckle softly. 

“Alright, I won’t.” Kuroo smiled, seeming genuinely happy. Tsukishima handed the phone back with the number, Kuroo accepting it with a grin. He immediately looked at the new contact information.

“Wait, how do you read your name?” Kuroo asked when he saw the name Tsukishima had written. Tsukishima sighed tiredly. It was always the same thing. He had forgotten Kuroo didn’t know his full name yet. It was annoying, having people always either misreading or asking whether he was Hotaru or Kei. Though, it was somehow satisfying to have Kuroo wondering. Maybe he could have some fun with this.

“How about you find out?” He raised his eyebrow, mischievous glint in his eyes. Kuroo’s shoulders slumped at this. 

“Tsukkiiiii, why won’t you tell me?” Kuroo whined, trying to imitate Bokuto’s pleading puppy eyes. Luckily that didn’t have any effect on Tsukishima, so he just grinned. Kuroo pouted, looking defeated.

“Maybe I like having you on your toes.” Tsukishima said, fighting the urge to wink. Wait. Why did he want to wink in the first place? That was not what he did, ever. Why was the bedheaded captain making him act weird and think of strange things? Oh well. 

“Ohohoho~” Kuroo was giving him a sly smirk, looking annoyingly pleased. Tsukishima pushed Kuroo’s shoulder lightly, letting the other know how ridiculous he was being. Kuroo’s smile just widened at that, making Tsukishima shake his head in defeat. 

“Either way, it’s a pretty name. It’s kind of… magical?” Kuroo was looking up at the moon, eyes softening. Tsukishima snorted. Magical? In what sort of wonderland was Kuroo living in? 

“That’s ridiculous.” He raised an eyebrow. It  _ was _ ridiculous, but he couldn’t deny feeling a bit intrigued by Kuroo’s line of thought. 

“Seriously! It’s like you’re an ethereal being.” Kuroo moved his gaze back to Tsukishima, once again having that look on his face. The one that made Tsukishima’s breath stop for a moment. It was soft and gentle, like for a moment everything was right. Like there was nothing to worry about. Still, Tsukishima couldn’t help but worry.

“What are you even talking about?” Tsukishima asked, staring at Kuroo, waiting for the look to change into something else. But it never did.

“You’re the moon. A firefly. Things that are considered beautiful and fascinating. Suits you.” Tsukishima felt his face heat up. Did Kuroo just indirectly call him beautiful? Kuroo turned to look at the moon, the smile staying on his face. Tsukishima couldn’t look away. 

  
  


Their training camp was over. Well, not completely, but all the matches had been played. They had lost almost every single one, but for some reason his team wasn’t very affected by it. If anything, they were happy. The last match against Fukurodani had gone well; their attacks were finally starting to work properly, making their gameplay more reliable. Even Tsukishima had managed to get something out of himself, earning a few compliments from his teammates.

They were now outside, surrounded by the smell of grilling meat. To Tsukishima it seemed like the people had turned into animals, the way they were drooling and eyeing the food. Sure, it smelled good, but he couldn’t understand why they were acting in this way. There was plenty of food, no need to be so greedy. Finally the food was ready, a bit at the time, and the predators attacked. The strong and cunning got their food first, leaving the others whining. It was ridiculous. 

Tsukishima was totally content with the amount he ate; a decent plate that made him full and satisfied. So why was he suddenly surrounded by three captains offering him more food? He was staring at his own captain, surprised that even he had joined the ‘feed Tsukishima’ team that had been forming for the last few days. Having Kuroo handing him a plate of vegetables wasn’t that big of a surprise. Even Bokuto, who kept whining that he wouldn’t grow taller if he didn’t eat more meat, was also something he predicted. He had expected Nishinoya to be there too, but he seemed to be busy with making sure no-one touched their manager. But still, having three captains fussing about his diet was sort of… endearing. Absurd, but not completely unwelcome either. He somehow felt cared for. Like he wasn’t as big of a disappointment as he felt like. 

Luckily Yamaguchi snickered next to him, which made Sawamura start offering food to him as well. Kuroo was bothering Kenma, who had hoped to escape the scary captain-uncles. No luck. Tsukishima shook his head slightly, a small smirk on his face. 

Some time passed and people eventually got their stomachs full, now concentrating on conversing with others. There was constant talking, and Tsukishima started to feel like he needed a break. It wasn’t too bad, since they were outside and there was enough room to breath, but the number of people around was still a bit too much to handle, after a while. So he told Yamaguchi he’d go to the bathroom, since that was the easiest excuse. One no-one would question it. He went back inside. It was quiet, which felt strange, since usually there was always people around in the corridors. But now everyone was outside, leaving the building empty. It felt like another dimension. Only a small buzz of the lights could be heard with his footsteps.

No matter how difficult it was to be around other people, it wasn’t really better to be alone either. His a pressure in his ears, filling him with discomfort. It was quiet in the hallway, but somehow it was too loud. He squeezed his eyes closed, leaning against a wall. He tried to take a few deep breaths to calm himself down.

He heard footsteps behind him, so he turned his head to check who was also inside with him. In the other dimension. Somehow he wasn’t too surprised to see it was Kuroo. Kuroo, who brought Tsukishima back to the right timeline. 

“You alright?” Kuroo asked, sounding sincerely concerned. Tsukishima shrugged, exhaling quietly. He was generally fine, but something was bothering him. He couldn’t quite make out what exactly it was, but it was slowly making it hard to breathe properly. He figured it was just the crowd, but somehow it felt like there was something else as well. 

“Yeah.” He answered, making Kuroo raise an eyebrow. Of course Kuroo could see he wasn’t totally honest. But, instead of asking more, curious for more information, he just nodded as if he understood that Tsukishima didn’t exactly want to share right now. He changed the subject.  

“Maaan, your libero and that buzzcut dude sure are creepy.” Kuroo ran a hand through his hair, making a face of discomfort. Tsukishima could agree with it. Nishinoya and Tanaka had been very creepy earlier. It was almost as if there had been a dark shadow around them as they went around, sending death glares to anyone who dared to even look at their manager. 

“Tell me about it.” Tsukishima sighed, glad of the subject that had nothing to do with his mood or feelings. 

“What is it with them? Why are they so obsessed with your manager?” Kuroo asked, making Tsukishima shrug. 

“I have no idea.” He couldn’t understand it. She was a beautiful girl for sure, but wasn’t it just a bit too much to go to such lengths? Neither of them were even dating her, so why were they so possessive? Tsukishima supposed he could understand it if they were indeed dating, but this? He was baffled. But, perhaps he would never understand them. Maybe it was for the best.

“Your libero is quite talented though. Maybe you could ask him for some help with receiving?” Kuroo suggested, making Tsukishima scoff. There was no way he would let another fool teach him, at least not privately. Kuroo was enough already, though he was quite serious when it came to volleyball. Surprisingly so. He could accept tips during practice, but anything more? No thank you.

“Though, I suppose it’s better to concentrate on improving one thing at a time, at least for now. Let’s make your blocking amazing first!” Kuroo winked, which caused Tsukishima to frown. He would never get used to this. Kuroo acting so enthusiastic about training  _ him. _

“I believe in you, you know.” Kuroo let his smile soften into a more serious one. Tsukishima wondered where that came from. In any case, it made him feel flustered. Kuroo believed in him. Maybe he should believe in himself as well.  
  
  


It was time to go home. The week had passed surprisingly fast. Tsukishima had dreaded being around so many people, not getting enough time alone, but somehow it hadn’t been that bad. Sure, there was that one night that still haunted him, but generally the week had been endurable. Nothing too bad had happened after that night, and he could almost say he had enjoyed the camp. At least some of it.

People were saying goodbye to them. Tsukishima found it sort of strange, how so many became friends with the other teams. One would think they would strengthen the relationships with their own teammates during a week like this. So that they would become closer, making their them work better as a team. Well, that did happen, but with the addition of others. Hinata, of course, was one of the people who got many friends, though apparently Kenma was the most important one of them. Tsukishima had spent some time with the setter himself, and found him quite likable. He was so different from the loud Hinata, it was interesting how they got along so well. 

Even Yamaguchi had gotten a few new friends. Tsukishima was glad; Yamaguchi deserved a lot of friends who he could rely on and who would make him happy. But still, there was a slight tightness in his throat when he saw them together. He wondered if one day he would lose Yamaguchi to them. Tsukishima wasn’t a very good friend, so he thought it was inevitable. Yamaguchi was sure to realize that there were others who were better for him.

It happens. Friends grow apart. Life takes people to different places and sometimes the friendships aren’t strong enough to survive the change. Tsukishima was afraid. Yamaguchi was his only friend. It was very possible that they would grow cold, and after the third year they would never talk again. It was a terrifying thought. 

“Tsukki! Were you going to run away without saying goodbye!?” Bokuto cried out as he almost bounced to hug Tsukishima, who stepped aside to dodge the attack. Bokuto stumbled past him, losing his balance. He pouted as he turned around, making Tsukishima snort quietly. 

“See you soon, Tsukishima.” Akaashi had appeared next to him, giving a polite nod. Tsukishima returned it, making Bokuto whine. It was amusing how lively and expressive Bokuto was, for a third-year student. It made him wonder if Hinata would become like him in the future. They were already very similar in many ways. They both had this air around them, which made people like them. 

Tsukishima sighed. As entertaining it was to see Bokuto crawl, he felt like it was the moment when he should give him something. So he caught Bokuto’s gaze and gave him a small smile, which was barely visible. Bokuto however caught it, and his whole face lit up, smile widening.

“Ask Akaashi for my number.” Tsukishima almost laughed out loud when he saw how Bokuto nodded violently, his whole body moving with it. Akaashi looked away, seeming embarrassed with his ace.  

“Bye Tsukki! I’ll text you!” Apparently that had been enough to make Bokuto content. He and Akaashi moved to say their goodbyes to others, leaving Tsukishima standing with Kuroo, who was wearing a strange expression. It was as if he was sad, despite the smile on his face. Tsukishima frowned, wondering what could be up with the captain.    

“I have something for you.” Kuroo’s voice brought Tsukishima’s attention back to the moment. Kuroo was hiding something behind his back, making Tsukishima raise his eyebrows in curiosity. Kuroo was now smiling brightly, showing Tsukishima what he was hiding. It was a packet of strawberry pocky. Tsukishima's eyes widened, a strange feeling filling his body. How was it that Kuroo thought about him enough to buy him a treat. It was even his favorite flavor. Why? How?

“For the trip back home.” Kuroo looked straight into his eyes. Something twitched inside Tsukishima, squeezing his chest. His hands shook slightly as he accepted the gift, thanking Kuroo quietly. He lowered his eyes, not able to face the look Kuroo was giving him. He murmured a goodbye and turned to leave. 

“Be safe.” Tsukishima heard Kuroo whisper after him. He sounded vulnerable, and Tsukishima’s breath hitched. He didn’t dare to turn back.

The bus started moving, and that was when Tsukishima finally looked out from the window. Kuroo was there, looking at him with a strange look on his face. The captain waved and gave a small smile. Tsukishima nodded, acknowledging the goodbye. 

It took barely five minutes when his phone beeped. 

Kuroo: I miss you!

Tsukishima snorted, making Yamaguchi raise his eyebrows next to him. 

“Who’s that?” He asked, looking like he tried hard not to look at the phone so he wouldn’t see anything Tsukishima didn’t want him to see. Tsukishima looked down at the phone in his hand, a small smile on his face.

“A friend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I feel like this is one of those... pointless chapters? It's not very good either. But well, at least I'm finally done with it and can move to the next 3 chapters that I've been waiting to write since chapter... 3? ;D I'm hoping those chapters will make me feel better about my writing.
> 
> Thank you for reading and come talk with me: deirie.tumblr.com 
> 
> I also accept ideas for what Kuroo and Tsukki should talk about! I'm really not good at dialogue, and I want them to have conversations. So, if you have ideas, let me know and I might include them in the fic :)


	11. Affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The training camp is over, and it's time to go back to the normal lives. But it isn't as great as Tsukishima thought it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have added Underage to the warnings. There probably won't be really graphic sex scenes, but I want to make sure people know that the possibility of a sex scene is there.

They had returned to their regular lives. It was strange, how one bus drive could feel like a portal to a different reality. Now, in this particular reality, they had to go back to school, do homework and also practice on top of that. Tsukishima found himself missing the simplicity of just playing volleyball all day. The game kept him distracted enough, making it harder for him to think about the things he did not want to go through.

He was filled with an odd silence. He got home to a quiet house, where no-one bothered him. In such a short amount of time he had gotten used to the buzz of conversation around him when he went to bed, or someone constantly keeping him company. Now, sitting on his bed, he felt… empty and cold. 

He had always preferred being alone. Being around many people was exhausting, so even school could be a challenge. Of course there were times when he needed company, but mostly he liked to just stay in his room, doing whatever he felt like doing. He had thought the training camp would’ve made him tired, and that he’d be happy when it was over. 

He wasn’t. 

He felt empty, and there was a weird pressure in his head. It was almost as if he was underwater, with all his senses a bit disoriented. His body kept twitching uncontrollably, and he let out a frustrated groan. This was not what he had expected. He couldn’t believe he actually wished to be around his teammates. He was supposed to be tired of them, wanting his own peace for once. Instead, he missed sitting on the mattresses with Yamaguchi, who was chatting about a comic he had started reading. Or perhaps Tsukishima could tease his best friend for having a crush on their new manager. It was adorable, really. Tsukishima had connected the dots during the bus drive, when Yamaguchi kept looking at Yachi with adoring eyes. He had had his suspicions, but now he was certain. He had actually commented on it, and Yamaguchi had turned bright red. He was obvious like that.

Tsukishima was surprised to realize that he even missed the sound of Hinata and Kageyama fighting. It was the thing that made him the most confused. Why would he want to listen to their arguing? But sometimes it had been a way of distraction. He would listen, give a few annoyed comments, and forget about his own thoughts. 

Everything was empty now. Even the music coming through his headphones wasn’t enough to drown his mind that was raging like a storm. A storm that had stopped and kept going around the same spot, never easing up. He was drowning in his own mind.

He almost wanted to go and knock on Akiteru’s door. But it was late, and he was supposed to go to bed in a moment. There was also the fact that their relationship still wasn’t the best, but it was getting better. It was nice to hear that his brother hadn’t stopped playing, even after all that had happened. It was sort of encouraging. If his brother could keep going, maybe he could try to do the same. 

Tsukishima fiddled with his phone. He wished to talk to  _ someone.  _ Well, maybe he didn’t even actually want to talk. He just wanted some sort of company, to make him feel like he was something else than a boy with a broken mind. That was what he felt like right now. This wasn’t how people usually felt like, was it? Like they were not meant to be in this world. Like something was wrong with his programming. A screaming red error, asking to be fixed. But when you attempt to fix it, three new errors appear. 

Why was it so hard for him to interact with people? 

Luckily he was saved by a beep from his phone. 

**Kuroo:**   
You going to bed soon? 

Tsukishima let out a sigh that was almost relieved. Kuroo somehow managed to make him calm down with only a simple message. It wasn’t a big surprise Kuroo was texting him, as it seemed like he was quite eager to do so, for whatever reason. The whole bus drive back had been filled with texts from both Kuroo and Bokuto. They had even created a group chat, making it impossible to have a moment of peace.    
  
But for once, Tsukishima was glad for it.

**Tsukishima:**   
Yes

Tsukishima let himself lie down. He had already gotten ready for bed, now just waiting for it to be late enough to bother trying to fall asleep. He wasn’t very hopeful, he had a feeling it would be another night of no sleep. 

**Kuroo:**   
OK, sleep well!

Tsukishima felt his chest tighten. He needed more than that. But he didn’t know how to keep Kuroo texting without asking. How could he make it obvious without actually being too obvious? He started to write a text and then deleted it, multiple times. He didn’t know what to say. So, he settled with the easy option, which didn’t really make him feel any better.

**Tsukishima:**   
Good night

Tsukishima felt despair fill his mind. He was going to have to make it through the night alone. But then again, that was how it had always been, before the training camp had made him stumble off his routines. The stupid camp that made him know there was something else there. That it would be possible to have someone hold his hand, squeezing it encouragingly whenever things felt too hard to deal with. Of course, he did have Yamaguchi, but he couldn’t keep bothering him. Especially now that there was a possibility of him getting a girlfriend. Tsukishima was fairly certain Yachi felt the same, after all. So it would probably be just a matter of time.

He covered his eyes with his arm, groaning. He wanted Kuroo to not stop the texts.  _ Just ask him how his day was or something.  _ But he couldn’t do that. How was he supposed to do that? They had already said goodnights. It was too late now. He let his phone drop in defeat.

Time passed, and Tsukishima kept rolling around in his bed. Sleep wouldn’t come, no matter how he tried. Or no matter how hard he tried not to try. He couldn’t take it anymore. The thoughts were making it impossible to relax. He started regretting things. Why did he have to make it so obvious that he had problems? Now everyone knew there was something wrong with him. He wasn’t normal. 

Though, he supposed he had never been normal. Normal people knew how to do social interaction. Normal people didn’t get annoyed by everything. Normal people didn’t stay awake, thinking how their life sucks. 

Tsukishima was exhausted. The week had been emotionally trying, and his body still hadn’t properly recovered from it either. Unfortunately they would have practice again tomorrow, even if it was only a recovering practice. Tsukishima wasn’t really ready. 

He sat up, staring ahead in the darkness. He wasn’t going to fall asleep, was he? He took his phone from the nightstand with a sigh. The blinding light hurt his eyes, but it didn’t matter. He just wanted not to feel this restless. He tried to play random games, but nothing helped. He opened the conversation with Kuroo, hovering his finger over it. It was late, well past midnight, and people were usually asleep at this hour. Especially students like them. So he could potentially wake Kuroo up if he were to send a message. Or maybe Kuroo wouldn’t notice it until morning. 

Tsukishima let out a groan, letting himself fall on the floor. The floor was cold and hard, but somehow it felt better than the softness of his bed. The anxiety was filling him, each moment getting worse. He turned around, to lie on his stomach, resting a cheek against the cool floor. Somehow it made him more aware of the sounds around him. The clock ticking, some birds screaming outside. The beat of his own heart. His shaky breath. 

  
“Help”, he whispered as he curled in a ball. 

  
  


The alarm rang. Tsukishima woke up on the floor, feeling cold. His throat was dry and painful, making him cough a few times. Great. He felt terrible. He had probably slept for four hours or less. Slowly he stood up, swaying slightly. Dizziness filled his head, making him lean against his door when he was about to leave the room. 

“Kei, you awake yet?” Akiteru called with a knock on the door. Tsukishima sighed and opened the door to find his older brother looking at him with a slightly surprised expression. 

“Wow, I didn’t expect you to be up that fast.” Akiteru chuckled. Usually Tsukishima  _ would _ stay in bed for as long as he could. He had multiple alarms on his phone, just to make sure that he would actually wake up on time. 

Akiteru looked at him for a second and frowned. 

“Kei, are you feeling alright?” He asked, looking concerned. Apparently Tsukishima looked like he felt like. Horrible. Akiteru put his hand on his brother’s forehead, making him turn his head away. 

“I’m fine”, Tsukishima grunted, but Akiteru wouldn’t let it be. Well, he didn’t really expect him to. He was a big brother. They tended to worry about their little brothers. Even though Tsukishima was hardly ‘little’ anymore.  

“Maybe you should skip school today, or at least your volleyball practice. You’re looking awfully pale”, Akiteru tried to touch his brother’s forehead again, but he just walked past him. 

“It’s alright. I just need a shower”, he told his brother, and walked to the bathroom, leaving Akiteru standing at his door. He didn’t hear his brother sighing sadly after he closed the door after him. 

He stared at his reflection. He looked like death. His already pale skin was now looking almost translucent, and underneath his eyes were dark circles. His eyes were a bit red. He sighed. Hopefully a shower would help. Maybe if he washed his face with cold water, it would reduce the swelling in his eyes. 

 

It did help, a bit. He looked slightly more alive, but still quite terrible. The darkness underneath his eyes was still there.

“Oh well”, he shrugged. Luckily he wore glasses. Glasses always hid some of the tiredness in his eyes. He took a long breath to get ready to face the day. To face the rest of his family. He loved his family, but he really didn’t want them to worry. His parents were stressed out enough as it was, and he didn’t want to add to that. It was better that they didn’t know. That they thought he was a happy kid, just like he was supposed to be. Well, they knew he wasn’t exactly a “happy” child. But as long as they thought he was content enough, it was for the best. 

He didn’t feel like eating, so he told his mother he’d just leave early and eat at school. That way he could get away from the gazes Akiteru was sending him. Tsukishima was at the door, putting his shoes on when Akiteru sat next to him. He looked like he had something to say, so Tsukishima waited a bit longer to stand up. They sat in silence for a moment, Akiteru fiddling with the hem of his shirt.  

“Kei”, Akiteru exhaled, “Are we… are we okay?” 

Tsukishima turned his head sharply to see Akiteru, who was looking nervous and… sad? He frowned. What had brought this up? Sure, their relationship hadn’t been the same ever since the incident years ago, but things had warmed up after the worst shock had passed. They spoke, sometimes spent time with each other. Things were fine. At least mostly fine. Tsukishima hated to admit that he missed his brother. He wished he could go back to idolizing his big brother like he used to. He wanted to go back to the time when he was still a kid, enthusiastic about volleyball. Life.

It was never about Akiteru disappointing him because he hadn’t made it. Tsukishima would’ve thought his brother was great even so. It was the fact that Akiteru thought he needed to lie to him. Tell all those lies about how he was the ace. Lies about the matches. Was it because of him? So that he would be proud of Akiteru?

Tsukishima let out a soft breath. They might not be as close as they had been, but Tsukishima never stopped loving his brother. They were never ‘not okay’.

“Yeah”, he replied. He touched his brother’s knee as he stood up, and left for school. 

It was difficult to get through the day. He constantly had to fight the urge to fall asleep during class. At times he realized he had lost for a moment, when he was brought back by a sudden noise somewhere. Then he’d spend a few seconds blinking, trying to figure out what was going on. Yamaguchi kept looking at him with worried glances. 

He didn’t know what the feeling was. At the same time he needed to be alone, but somehow he craved for company. Perhaps school wasn’t the right place to be right now, too many people he didn’t know. But familiar faces was what he might need. If only the tiredness would pass. So he powered through. No matter how terrible he felt, he just took a few deep breaths and kept going. 

“Tsukki, are you sure about coming to practice?” Yamaguchi asked, a frown on his face. Tsukishima nodded, looking down. 

“Maybe it will exhaust me”, he said with a small chuckle, “And isn’t it supposed to be more of a recovering type today? I should be fine.” Tsukishima put his things in his bag, taking his time.

“But still… it’s not a good idea if you’re not feeling well”, Yamaguchi tried, but Tsukishima had made a decision. He needed this. He needed the distraction volleyball would bring him. At least for a while he would need to keep his mind on the game. If it also made him even more tired, that would probably help him fall asleep later. He needed sleep. 

 

 

Luckily the practice wasn’t as much of a practice, but more about flexibility and relaxation. If Tsukishima was asked, he would have called it some sort of yoga. Hinata hadn’t been very interested in staying put, and kept fidgeting. But he didn’t whine, which was good. Tsukishima supposed even the shrimp knew to keep quiet at this time. It was a good practice in general, it made Tsukishima feel more agile. He even wondered if he should start doing some of the movements at home. It would probably be beneficial. It was an interesting thought, one that Tsukishima wouldn’t have thought a few weeks earlier. He wasn’t one to think about extra work. Be it school, volleyball, or anything at all, he would never do more than what was required. Tsukishima frowned. The change in him was rather fast, making him feel hesitant.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Bokuto had sent him a selfie: he was wearing his training gear, flexing his muscles. It was ridiculous. Bokuto was always ridiculous and yet, Tsukishima still couldn’t help but like the guy. 

**Bokuto:**   
Tsukkii~ come train with us   
  
**Tsukishima:**   
You do realize it takes hours to travel there   
  
**Bokuto:**   
doesn’t matter! we miss you! 

Bokuto sent another picture, this time with Akaashi with him. It looked like Akaashi had been dragged into the picture reluctantly. Somehow Bokuto had managed to capture Akaashi’s eyeroll. It was unfair how attractive Akaashi was, even with such an expression on his face. 

Tsukishima sighed. 

He couldn’t deny that he sort of missed training with Bokuto, Akaashi, and Kuroo. They were surprisingly easy to be with, all of them in different ways.

He got yet another selfie. This time Kuroo had thrown his arm around Bokuto, they both were smiling broadly. A tightness filled his heart. They were all there, spending time together. Training. Like they had done during the camp. 

Bokuto kept sending him messages, begging him to send a selfie back. Tsukishima groaned. It was likely that Bokuto wouldn’t give up, especially when Kuroo was with him. He figured it was better to just give in. So he took a quick picture and sent it. That should keep them satisfied. 

He couldn’t understand why they wanted to keep in contact with him. Why would they bother? They already had each other, and apparently they hung out quite often. Why would they want him there? He was younger than them, lived far away. It was just too much trouble to keep the… friendship, or whatever this was, alive. And soon Bokuto and Kuroo would move on, as they were on their third year. There would be no time for someone like him.

Soon they would stop sending him texts. They wouldn’t even meet during training camps anymore. It would be better to just stop it, before he got too attached to them. He had done alright so far, without many friends. He should stop now. Stop responding. 

But, deep down he knew he didn’t want to. He tried to ignore the pull that made him want to take the next train to Tokyo. Turn left here, go to the train station. He stopped walking, looking to left, staring at the road. 

He closed his eyes, let out a long breath, and kept walking. 

  
  


“Ughhhhhhhhh”, Kuroo let out a groan, bringing the attention of Bokuto and Akaashi to himself. They had been playing together, just casually practicing. They all had been acting a bit silent, as if something had happened. Well, the thing was, Tsukishima was missing. They all had gotten used to having him around to block with Kuroo. And while Tsukishima wasn’t a very talkative person, the room felt too quiet. 

Kuroo was looking at his phone, making Bokuto curious. He was raising his eyebrows and walked closer. It seemed like it was time for a break. 

“I can’t.” Kuroo said, frustrated. He put his phone in his pocket, deciding he should stop looking at it. He had a dangerous picture there, begging him to stare at it. 

“You can’t what?” Bokuto frowned. 

“I can’t!” Kuroo almost yelled, and sat down, leaning his head against the wall. He pulled his hair, grumbling at the same time. “How could I ever manage to woo him?” Kuroo turned to look at Akaashi and Bokuto. Bokuto flopped down next to him.

“Woo who?” Bokuto raised an eyebrow. He was quite adorable when he was confused, Kuroo had to admit. But it nowhere near as adorable as the person who had made him frustrated. 

“Tsukki!” Kuroo huffed. 

“Wait. You have the hots for Tsukki?” Bokuto looked surprised, eyes wide. Bokuto turned to look at Akaashi, as if he was asking if Akaashi knew about this. Akaashi shrugged, not affected by the news.

“It  _ is  _ quite obvious”, Akaashi said as he sat down. Bokuto got closer to Kuroo, leaning towards him in excitement. Why was he so happy about this? It wasn’t as if this was his first crush on anyone. Kuroo looked down at his hands, defeated. 

“He’s just… so gorgeous.” He let out a dreamy sigh. He had had so much trouble keeping his eyes off of Tsukishima during the camp. The boy was truly beautiful with his blond hair and amber eyes. Especially the eyes. Too bad they were hidden behind the glasses most of the time. And his legs too. They went on forever! Kuroo sighed again. 

“Hmm. Well, can’t argue with that”, Bokuto shrugged, making Kuroo bump him with his shoulder. 

“I almost can’t take it”, Kuroo whined, thinking about everything that made him attracted to Tsukishima. And it wasn’t just about his looks. Tsukishima was smart, and actually pretty funny. He knew many others thought he was prickly, but to him he was amusing. It was always interesting to talk with him. 

“So, what are you going to do about it?” Akaashi asked, making Kuroo sigh deeply. The thing was, he had no idea what to do about it. He liked Tsukishima. He liked him as a friend, as much as he had the hugest crush on him. And it was the usual problem when people were friends first. You don’t want to lose the friendship because of a crush. And Kuroo had no idea if Tsukishima was even attracted to men. Or if he was attracted to people at all. So, to Kuroo it seemed like he shouldn’t do anything, no matter what he would like to do. 

“I don’t know… Probably nothing”, Kuroo said with a sad pout, making Bokuto straighten his back. 

“What? You can’t do nothing!” Bokuto looked almost offended, which was rather interesting, considering that this didn’t really concern him. 

“What else am I supposed to do?” Kuroo slumped slightly in defeat. There really was nothing he could do. 

“Woo him, like you want to!” Bokuto however thought otherwise. He had a determined expression on his face. 

“I have to agree with Bokuto”, Akaashi made the others turn their heads in surprise, “This isn’t just a regular crush, is it?” 

Kuroo covered his face with his palms, groaning softly. Kuroo knew it wasn’t just a crush. He had had crushes on people before. He had had a couple girlfriends and boyfriends as well. But with Tsukki his feelings were more intense than they had ever been. He didn’t know why he felt this way. How did the gorgeous boy from Karasuno catch his eye in this way? 

“Yeah”, Kuroo finally agreed with a small voice, “It’s not just a crush.” He rubbed his face in frustration. It would be so much simpler if it was just a crush. He could live with it, and eventually it would fade. But Tsukishima was different. Kuroo was totally smitten and there was no turning back.

“But how can I… What do I do?” 

“To be honest, I think you’ve been doing pretty well already”, Akaashi said, sounding like it was the most obvious thing. Kuroo turned to look at him with a hopeful look.

“Really?” 

“You _ have _ been flirting with him, and he hasn’t been too put off by it. I’d say you’re fine”, Akaashi shrugged, drinking some of his water. 

“You’re oddly supportive”, Kuroo raised an eyebrow. Usually Akaashi had some sort of a comment about everything. Everyone thought he was an angel, but in reality he could bite. But, he also knew how to treat different people. So maybe that was why Kuroo knew of the other side of Akaashi. 

“Maybe I’m just tired of your pining”, Akaashi showed a small smirk. Ah. There it was.

“Hey!” Kuroo pouted, but his eyes were smiling. “I just, I want to give him things! Like, blowjobs and self-esteem!” 

Akaashi made a disgusted face. 

“Really, Kuroo? Using memes now?” 

“Ha! That was awesome!” Bokuto patted Kuroo’s shoulder excitedly. At least someone was amused. 

“There’s no time when memes don’t work”, Kuroo laughed then, at which Akaashi let out a tired sigh. Kuroo let his smile drop a bit, turning his expression into something more serious. 

“But yeah… I wish to make him feel good about himself. I want to let him know how beautiful he is. How smart and brilliant he is.” It was a crime that Tsukishima didn’t think of himself as such. It always seemed like Tsukishima didn’t feel worthy. And it broke Kuroo’s heart. Tsukishima was wonderful. 

“I wish he could see what I see”, Kuroo sighed, sounding quite sad. Bokuto pulled Kuroo closer, giving him a hug from the side. 

“You’ve got it so bad”, Bokuto said, with a smile on his face. He looked genuinely happy for Kuroo, for whatever reason. Kuroo smiled as well, leaning into the hug. It was nice to have friends who accepted him as he was. It wasn’t easy to be, well, not straight. But, then again, it wasn’t like his friends could judge him. Bokuto and Akaashi had something going on between them as well, so Kuroo having a crush on a guy wasn’t a big deal.

“I know! You should visit him!” Bokuto exclaimed happily. 

“Huh?”

“Yeah! And then you should shower him with affection! He really needs some sweet loving to balance that saltiness~” Bokuto winked and nudged Kuroo. 

“Yeah… Maybe I  _ should _ ?” Kuroo thought about it. He really wanted to meet Tsukishima more often than during the occasional training camps. Even then he only had a few moments to actually have a decent conversation with him. It would be great if he could get Tsukishima to himself for a longer period of time. 

“Though… They’re coming here later this month. I don’t think I can visit before that…” Kuroo sighed. It was so far away.

“Don’t let that bring you down! You have a lot of time to plan for it then! You can always visit later.” Bokuto patted Kuroo’s shoulder, encouraging him. 

“Yeah… Maybe…”

“Not maybe. You will plan your moves so that when you get there, you’re going to sweep Tsukki off his feet just like that!” Bokuto’s smile got even wider, making Kuroo feel lighter. Bokuto had that effect on him.

Kuroo smiled softly, imagining dating Tsukishima. He had been daydreaming about it quite a lot lately. How he would hold Tsukishima’s hand. How he would take him in his arms and cuddle with him. Plant small kisses on those lips. How he would do anything he could to make Tsukki smile the way he had smiled when he was eating that cake. 

Kuroo felt his chest swell with affection. He really did have it bad. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, this chapter was supposed to be easy to write. But somehow I had to rewrite it a few times, struggling with it so much. I'm still not quite feeling this is the best I could do, but I want to write the next chapter already. 
> 
> I am sorry for the long break. 
> 
> I've been wondering if I should keep writing or not. Like, maybe it's just not worth it. But, I do want to finish this.


	12. Look around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alright, Tsukishima.” Nishinoya stared at him with an intense gaze. Tsukishima looked down, eyebrows furrowed to show his displeasure. 
> 
> “We’re gonna talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There's a mention of suicide (and some sort of description) in this chapter. I don't know how to explain this scene, but yeah. No-one dies though!

Things weren’t going very well for Tsukishima. He was feeling more and more distant from everything around him, his mind travelling to places that should be avoided. But he couldn’t stop it from happening.  

He had went to practices, did his school work just like usually. But he felt empty, a void taking over him. He had said hurtful things to people. Even Yamaguchi. He immediately regretted every word, but it was too hard to apologize.  
Eventually he had stopped speaking to others. It was better this way. They would stop talking to him if he didn’t respond. That way he wouldn’t end up saying things he didn’t want to.

Sometimes he experienced something that he would describe as a point where different realities split. The decisions that made different universes differ from each other. He was going through such a moment again. He stood at the train station, staring in front of him. The anxiety was overwhelming, his heart pounding in his chest that felt like it was resonating through his whole body. And then, he could feel the split happen. His physical body kept standing there, squeezing the strap of his bag with too much force. Suffering through the anxiety. But his mind, or perhaps him in the other reality, took a step forward.

Another step.

And another.

And as the train came closer, he stepped in front of it.

It was when Tsukishima came back to the moment, shaking from the experience. For a second he thought he was dead. It had felt so real. But, the true reality for him hit hard, bringing back all the pain with a wave that made him take staggering steps back. His mind scared him. This wasn’t what he was used to. He didn’t want to die. Not really.

He needed to get out. So he did. He ran from the station, determined to get far away.

 

Eventually he ended up sitting in a café, a strawberry shortcake in front of him. He was hoping it would make him forget about everything. Even just for a few minutes. He took a bite, and the wonderful sweetness filled his mouth.  
But it didn’t help. He knew the cake tasted good. He could feel the wonderful taste of strawberry, but it didn’t make him feel anything. He could taste it, but the taste was not getting through.

“To be honest, I think depressed people are just weak”, Tsukishima heard a voice from a nearby table. It made him shift his gaze to find the source; a young man talking with another.

“Yeah, true” The other man said, nodding his head a lot.   
  
“I just don’t understand it. They should be sent to somewhere where things are really bad, and ask again if they still feel bad.” The guy said, making Tsukishima exhale harshly. They kept talking about the subject, and obviously had no idea what depression was.   
  
There was a time when Tsukishima would’ve said something. He would have called them pathetic. Made them shut up. This time he didn’t.

Tsukishima felt more than he should’ve had. It got difficult to breathe, and he wasn’t even sure why. They were just two idiots. No, idiot was a too light a word to be used for them. Still, he was above them. He didn’t need to listen to them, and definitely not get affected by their words. They were nothing.   
But it didn’t feel like nothing.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get his breathing normalized. He pulled his headphones on, to cover his ears and to drown all other noises. He focused on the music. Tried to make out all the instruments, all the tiny details that were usually lost in the background. But without the little things the songs wouldn’t be as good.

It helped. Thankfully. He had been worried nothing would help him today, as even the cake had failed to do so. As he calmed down enough, Tsukishima found it in himself to stand up and leave, without feeling too broken and anxious. He ‘accidentally’ kicked the chair of the other man on his way out. He didn’t stop to hear what the man had to say.

On the way back home he started getting texts from Kuroo. It had become a regular thing, Kuroo sending him a bunch of texts in the evenings. Sure, there were some texts during the day as well, but mostly they talked after school and volleyball practice. Apparently Tsukishima’s answers today were different in some way, because Kuroo suddenly stopped telling the story he had started.

 **Kuroo:** **  
** What’s wrong?

Tsukishima could only frown. He didn’t think he was any different from usual. His texts were always short, just like they were today. And yet, Kuroo had somehow noticed he was not doing well. Tsukishima wasn’t sure if he was glad or terrified. If Kuroo could figure it out from a few texts, how obvious was Tsukishima being in person? Could every bypasser see through his masks?

He didn’t answer for a while, wanting to get home before talking about anything about his feelings or day. He wondered how Kuroo was feeling, when he didn’t answer. Surprisingly Kuroo didn’t bombard him with more questions, and waited patiently for his reply. Tsukishima took a deep breath. When he was finally in his own bedroom, safe from the world outside, he could let his guard down. For a moment.

 **Tsukishima:** **  
** Just something that some idiots said

 **Kuroo:** **  
** What was it?

Tsukishima told Kuroo about all that they had said. Even a bit about how he felt about it. About what depressed people were truly like. It was good to vent to someone, to let his anger out. He was pissed at the men. He wished he had spoken up. He wished he had told them just how “weak” depressed people are. He wished…

He wished he wasn’t depressed himself.

 **Kuroo:** ****  
Shit  
I’m so sorry you had to deal with something like that  
Are you okay?

Tsukishima stared at his phone for a moment, wondering what to say. He was far from okay, but that didn’t mean he should tell it to Kuroo. On the other hand, Kuroo had proven to notice things. So even if Tsukishima lied, Kuroo would probably know. He sighed. Why must things be so difficult?

 **Tsukishima:** **  
** Not really

 **Kuroo:** **  
** Would you like me to call you?

That made Tsukishima pause. Would he want that? He wasn’t good at talking. He didn’t really like phone calls either. And if he were to talk about _his_ problems, he would probably make them sound smaller than they actually were. He probably wouldn’t be able to talk.

 **Kuroo:** ****  
I could do the talking  
if you’d prefer that  
I know it can be hard to talk about stuff out loud  
texting is fine too!  
oh shit I’m sorry I’m babbling

Tsukishima found himself chuckling. Kuroo was ridiculous, and right now it was something he welcomed. He needed some ridiculousness in his life. To save him from the anxiety and painful feelings. Tsukishima squeezed his phone lightly, and lifted it up as he called Kuroo.

“Tsukki?” Kuroo answered immediately, sounding a bit hoarse and surprised. Maybe he really hadn’t expected Tsukishima to agree to the phone call. And if he had, he certainly think Tsukishima would be the one to call.

“Mmhh”, Tsukishima hummed in response. He didn’t really want to speak, and Kuroo _had_ offered to do the talking.   
  
“Okay”, Kuroo seemed to understand him even without words, and started babbling for real. He told Tsukishima about random things. About how Bokuto had fell into a fountain and his hair had gotten ruined. Bokuto had been devastated, but when Akaashi had told Bokuto that he thought Bokuto looked handsome with his hair down, Bokuto had immediately perked up. Tsukishima had huffed in amusement at that. He could imagine it very well.

Kuroo also talked about volleyball, of course. How he was excited about the upcoming matches. Tsukishima told him Karasuno were to have the preliminaries next weekend, and Kuroo had immediately started giving tips and asking if Tsukishima was eating enough. Funnily enough, Tsukishima _had_ been eating, well, not counting today. He had even asked Akiteru about the diet he used to have.

Kuroo also told him how Kenma had become pretty good friends with Hinata, or so it seemed. Kenma had started spending more time texting Hinata, and that made Kuroo both happy and sad. Kuroo was glad Kenma was getting more friends, and also a bit sad that he now had less time with his best friend. But, as Kuroo said, it was how things went. Even Kuroo had Tsukishima, now. That comment had made Tsukishima flush. Did that mean Kuroo intended to actually keep their friendship going for longer?

“We should probably go to bed now, or do you still want me to talk?” Kuroo finally said, after he had noticed it was getting late. They had talked, or, mostly Kuroo had talked, for over an hour.

“It’s alright, I’m fine. Thank you.” Tsukishima said quietly, but truthfully. He felt better.

“Alright, good night then!” Tsukishima could hear the smile on Kuroo’s lips. He imagined having Kuroo there, smiling. It warmed Tsukishima’s insides.

“Kuroo”, Tsukishima finally said, making the line fall silent for a second.

“Yeah?”

“My name is Kei”, Tsukishima said as he hung up. He didn’t want to hear the reaction Kuroo would have. And he definitely didn’t want to imagine the grin on his handsome face.   


 

Weekend was coming closer too fast. It meant the preliminaries were also getting closer, and Tsukishima felt nervous. The whole team had been trying so hard to improve, to perfect their skills. The air in the gym was filled with determination, but also frustration. Sometimes it was too much. Tsukishima felt a pull, but he wasn’t sure where it was trying to take him.

It wasn’t the first time he was walking alone to go home. Yamaguchi had somewhere to be, and had went to a different direction. It also wasn’t the first time when Nishinoya appeared next to him. Sure, he usually didn’t do it when Tsukishima was going home, but nevertheless. Nishinoya grabbed Tsukishima’s arm, gently though, to make him stop walking. With a sigh Tsukishima turned to look at him.

“Alright, Tsukishima.” Nishinoya stared at him with an intense gaze. Tsukishima looked down, eyebrows furrowed to show his displeasure.

“We’re gonna talk”, Nishinoya said, nodding Tsukishima to sit down. Tsukishima stared at Nishinoya, wondering if he could escape this situation. He didn’t want to face the libero, not when he looked like this. Like he was really, really disappointed in Tsukishima. He hated when people looked like that. He didn’t usually let it bother him too much, like he never let anything bother him. But now, he somehow had had trouble keeping his emotions in. His emotions were starting to pour out like water from a broken dam. The pressure was becoming too much, and everything burst out uncontrollably from time to time.

Nishinoya kept staring at him, never breaking eye contact. It made Tsukishima feel uncomfortable. He wanted to look away. Wanted to run. But the look made him stay put. They stood there, staring at each other for a while, which felt like minutes. But, eventually Tsukishima couldn’t take it anymore, and looked away. He sat down on a bench that was conveniently nearby. Nishinoya seemed to think about keeping on his feet, but also sat down, facing Tsukishima. It was better this way. While Nishinoya was short, it was still slightly intimidating to have him standing in front of him while he sat. It made Tsukishima feel like he was being interrogated. Well, he might be, it was Nishinoya after all.

Nishinoya took a deep breath, getting ready for whatever he was going to say. Tsukishima’s fingers tried to find something to fiddle with. He didn’t really want to hear it, whatever it was.

“The thing is…” Nishinoya started, biting his lips as he tried to voice out his thoughts. Tsukishima almost rolled his eyes. How hard was it to speak?

“I mean…” Tsukishima kept looking at Nishinoya, trying to show his impatience. Nishinoya exhaled sharply through his nose, determined to speak.

“You were doing pretty good for a while”, Nishinoya finally mused, but still looked like he didn’t really know what he was going to say. But he did speak.

“I mean, you were trying more.” His eyes kept looking at different directions, which made Tsukishima remember those charts that told what the brain was doing by looking at eyes. Remembering images, sounds, and whatever. He wondered if Nishinoya was using everything in his brain right now, only to figure out what he wanted to say.

“But now it’s almost like you’re turning back, or something.” Nishinoya looked at Tsukishima again. Tsukishima didn’t get it. He was turning back? He wasn’t going anywhere. He was staying put, not advancing or returning. When Nishinoya didn’t elaborate, Tsukishima had to speak.

“What are you trying to get at?” Tsukishima huffed with an annoyed voice. Nishinoya sighed deeply as he started rubbing his eyes.

“That you were starting to open up, to let people in, but got scared. So scared that you went back and hid yourself even further away in fear of getting hurt.” Somehow Nishinoya’s voice turned into something sad and tired. As if he was speaking about something that affected him deeply. But he was talking about Tsukishima. Tsukishima couldn’t believe he could make Nishinoya sound that sad. Tsukishima’s breath hitched, expression hardening. This was just some cruel joke.

“See? You’re doing it again.” Nishinoya raised his voice slightly, wanting to get his point across. But Tsukishima couldn’t accept it.

“You don’t know anything about me”, Tsukishima growled as he stood up, too quickly. He swayed slightly as his head felt too light and dizzy. He took a few, shaky steps to leave, but was stopped by Nishinoya’s voice.

“Look around.”

 

Tsukishima froze. He had heard that before. He gasped quietly, and turned slowly to look at Nishinoya, whose expression was stern, but concerned.

“Look around you! If you’d just open your eyes, you could see that you have people who love you. The whole team cares about you. You may be prickly, but we can see there’s more to you than that. Do you even know how much we worry about you? We care and we worry! I just… Maybe it is scary to let us in, but… I mean, I’m not saying you should tell us everything. But, just… you don’t have to hide your pain?”

Tsukishima could do nothing but stare at Nishinoya, forgetting to breathe.

“Be kind to yourself and do not force yourself to hide.” Nishinoya continued as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Look around, and see that you’re not alone.” Nishinoya’s eyes softened, and with an exhale the look on his face turned into a sad one. Tsukishima couldn’t move. He was staring at the libero with wide eyes. He couldn’t believe his teammates would actually worry about him. _Him_ , and not his ability to play. That’s what he was there for, right? He was tall. That was a valuable trait in volleyball. He could read the game pretty well. That was what he was to them. Someone who could play. Nothing more.

Or so he had thought.

“Fuck”, Tsukishima breathed out, barely a whisper, but Nishinoya seemed to catch it. Tsukishima lifted a hand on his face, covering it from the eyes of his senpai, who was still looking at him with annoyingly caring look. Tsukishima couldn’t handle it. He stood up, Nishinoya following his example.

“I… I need to be alone”, Tsukishima said, his voice getting weak. He half-expected Nishinoya to protest and stop him, but he just nodded and stepped back to let Tsukishima have his space and a better opportunity to leave. Tsukishima walked, hand still covering his eyes. He couldn’t let people see him. He couldn’t let himself see others.

  
He felt like he would break if he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you notice that we're slowly getting to the turning point? :D


	13. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ve been… pretty worried about you.” Tsukishima opened his eyes and turned to look at the expression on Yamaguchi's face. It was definitely concerned, but also determined. Oh boy. Tsukishima wasn’t sure he was ready for this. He knew how his friend could get, when he wanted to get a point across.

Nishinoya had left him alone after that. Perhaps he knew it was better to let Tsukishima think about it, let the words get in. So that Tsukishima would actually understand it all. It might take some time, after all. And it  _ had _ taken some time. 

Tsukishima had pushed himself to do well during the preliminaries. His teammates had seemed at least somewhat content with that, letting him be. Well, Suga did come to him once, like they had agreed during the training camp. Asking if Tsukishima wanted help. Tsukishima had said no. Even though he could feel something twitch in him when he did. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe something else. He just wasn’t ready. Not yet. There was too much going on, with volleyball and school, that he didn’t feel like he could handle any more. Though Tsukishima was rather good at handling stress, this was something different.

But, even when he had powered through the matches, even if he had made it, he didn’t really feel good. He was feeling exhausted. Every morning it was getting harder and harder to get up. He tried to study, like a proper student. But it was so difficult. He found it almost impossible to concentrate on anything. But he tried. He couldn’t let his grades drop.   
And he didn’t.  
Even if it meant that he would start to feel hollow and empty. 

He had been good at hiding everything from others. As long as he had stayed relatively quiet, not standing out in any way, he had been ignored. He wasn’t sure what had changed. Suddenly everyone was aware of him. Of his problems. Maybe they didn’t know exactly what it was, but they knew  _ something _ was up. 

It was even before his breakdown. That had made things obviously clear.   
Tsukishima hated that he had lost control. If only they hadn’t noticed. If only he had managed to hide better.   
If only. 

But now, there wasn’t anything he could do anymore. He let himself get dragged down, beneath the black water that swallowed him. And it suffocated him, leaving him gasping, thrashing, trying to get somewhere. Anywhere. The darkness was too deep, no light could be seen. Tsukishima tried to breathe, but he was drowning. And he never got the release of death. 

  
  


Tsukishima didn’t feel good. Well, it had been a long time since he had. He knew it was starting to show too. And he was certain of it when one day Yamaguchi looked at Tsukishima with a weird expression on his face. It was as if there was something he wanted to say, but wasn’t sure if he should. It went through the whole day, making Tsukishima feel anxious. The longer Yamaguchi remained silent, the more anxious he became. 

It was sort of a relief, when Yamaguchi finally grabbed his arm and dragged him to his home, instead of them parting ways. Terrifying as well, but a relief nonetheless. At least now Tsukishima would find out what was going on inside his friend’s head. 

They sat there, on Yamaguchi’s bed. For a while they were silent, just staring ahead.  Tsukishima felt comfortable, with the presence of his friend next to him. Even when he knew there was going to be some sort of a serious talk. The look Yamaguchi gave him told him enough. The silence didn’t last forever. Yamaguchi reached out, taking Tsukishima’s hand in his.

“Tsukki?” He called with a quiet, yet hopeful voice. Tsukishima kept his eyes closed as he hummed in response. Yamaguchi was still holding his hand, now playing with Tsukishima’s fingers. 

“I’ve been… pretty worried about you.” Tsukishima opened his eyes and turned to look at the expression on his friend’s face. It was definitely concerned, but also determined. Oh boy. Tsukishima wasn’t sure he was ready for this. He knew how his friend could get, when he wanted to get a point across. Tsukishima exhaled slowly.

“I… You know I’m here for you, right?” Yamaguchi asked, gaze softening as he looked at the taller boy. Tsukishima sighed. It was hard to let others see how he really felt. Whenever someone asked how things were, he would just shrug. He didn’t have the words for his feelings, and it was better if no-one knew. So he had hid them. The walls he had built were thick and high, though now slightly cracked. But Yamaguchi had a key to the door. 

Tsukishima realized he had been quiet for too long when Yamaguchi squeezed his hand a little too hard. It was as if he feared Tsukishima would disappear if he let go. Tsukishima couldn’t look away. Yamaguchi looked serious. 

“It feels like you’re slipping away, and it’s scaring me, Tsukki.” 

Tsukishima inhaled sharply when he saw the tears finally fall from Yamaguchi’s eyes. Yamaguchi let go of Tsukishima’s hands, now violently wiping his tears. Tsukishima stared at Yamaguchi with wide eyes. Had he only pushed his friend further way in his fear of losing him?

“You keep saying ‘it’s just a sport’ and stuff like that, not really into anything. I’m afraid that one day you’ll stop enjoying life and find no reason to go on. I’m afraid that has already happened and it’s making me so scared.” 

The way Yamaguchi was now holding onto his arm was starting to get painful, but Tsukishima didn’t mind. He had earned the pain for hurting Yamaguchi. Not intentionally, but he still had hurt him.

“I’m sorry.” Tsukishima said, averting his eyes. 

“I’d like to say it’s okay, but it really isn’t.” Yamaguchi said quietly.   
“You haven’t been talking to anyone, have you. That’s not good.”

Tsukishima could feel Yamaguchi watching him, but he couldn’t move his eyes from the floor. He didn’t know how to talk about these things. It was easier to ignore. But Yamaguchi was  _ right there _ . Waiting for him to do something.   
“I wish you’d talk to me.” Yamaguchi whispered then, letting out a sigh.

“I don’t want you to worry.”

“Tsukki! That’s what friends are for! We’re not only here to share the joys in life. We also support you through the hard times, no matter how long it takes.” Yamaguchi sounded desperate, making Tsukishima feel guilty. He felt like a bad friend.

Tsukishima looked down. He was reminded of Nishinoya’s speech just a while ago. ‘Look around’, he had said. Perhaps he really should have looked around himself. He lifted his gaze to look at his best friend, who was trying hard not to cry too hard. 

“Tadashi.” Tsukishima whispered, voice barely there. But Yamaguchi caught it.. He looked at Tsukishima with his teary eyes, waiting. Tsukishima looked back, a pained expression on his face. He took a deep breath, trying to prepare himself for what he needed to say. 

“I’m not okay.” It was the first time Tsukishima had admitted it aloud. About his whole situation. And with that, Yamaguchi let out a sob. But he was smiling a sad smile as he wiped his eyes. 

“Okay, good.” Yamaguchi nodded and reached out with his hand, letting Tsukishima decide if he wanted to take it. Tsukishima hesitated, but slowly took it.

“Do you… Do you want to get professional help?” Yamaguchi was trying to reach Tsukishima’s eyes. It was hard for Tsukishima to keep their eyes locked, but he tried. He sighed. He didn’t feel ready.

“I… maybe. But not yet?” Tsukishima looked at their joined hands. He felt Yamaguchi squeeze his hand gently in reassurance.

  
  


He felt a bit better after the talk with Yamaguchi. It wasn’t a huge change, but now that Yamaguchi  _ knew _ , it was somehow easier to face the day. 

He knew he needed to get better. He wanted to take a step forward, to level up. So, one day he found himself approaching Ukai, hands fiddling awkwardly with anything his fingers touched. He was utterly disappointed when Ukai didn’t have the answers he was hoping to find. Tsukishima had collected so much energy, fought his anxiety just to talk with the coach, and in the end it wasn’t even worth it. Well, he did get something out of Ukai, at least, but it wasn’t enough. He was feeling emotionally exhausted, just because of this. That made him feel broken. What kind of a person was he, if he couldn’t handle something like this? 

But despite his exhaustion, he wanted answers. He needed advice. And he knew the only person he could ask for the answers he wanted, was waiting for him to reply to yet another ridiculous text. Somehow it made him feel lighter.

At home he stared at the messenger on his laptop, their previous conversation with Kuroo staring back at him. He sat there for a moment, his mind running so fast, coming up with all the different ways to say what he wanted to say. To ask the right things. But there wasn’t a  _ right _ way to ask, was there? He’d just have to go ahead. So he did.  

Tsukishima:    
Can I ask you something?

Kuroo was quick to answer, as always. Tsukishima wondered why Kuroo was on his computer so much. He seemed like a person who would do anything but sit in front of a computer. Tsukishima always figured he would always be hanging out with friends, whenever he wasn’t studying or playing volleyball. But, apparently he had been wrong. 

Kuroo:   
Sure

Tsukishima:   
How do you keep fighting, even when the odds are against you?

Tsukishima felt nervous for some reason he couldn’t identify. He kept fiddling with his phone, turning it over and over in his hands. As if it would offer him a way out of the awkwardness. 

Kuroo:    
In volleyball?    
Uhh… can I call you? It would be easier to explain  
Totally fine if you don’t want to, though!

Tsukishima stared at the words. To this day they had only talked through text. Conversations where he could take his time to think of the proper ways to respond. Would he be ready to speak with Kuroo? 

Tsukishima let out a deep sigh. He felt stupid for not being able to call someone he knew already. This wasn’t some internet friend, or a stranger, but someone he had met and become friends with even before they started texting each other. 

But Tsukishima wasn’t good at voicing out his problems. When it came to his life, it was difficult to speak the truth. It was easier to say ‘I’m fine’ than admitting that he wasn’t. It would lead to unwanted attention and more questions. Questions he wasn’t ready to answer. 

However, this wasn’t exactly the situation right now. He wanted to ask about volleyball. It wasn’t as if Kuroo hadn’t already taught him before. It shouldn’t be hard. Just one phone call with a friend. 

Why was it so hard?

Kuroo:  
Tsukki? 

Apparently he had been silent for too long. Tsukishima took a deep breath, and hit the call button on his phone. 

“Tsukki!” Kuroo answered immediately, sounding excited, but oddly careful at the same time. 

“Kuroo.” 

“Right, you probably want me to answer your question.” Kuroo started, taking a small break as if he was thinking about what to say. 

“Do you have some examples? Like, what situation is it when the ‘odds are against you’?” Kuroo asked. 

“...When the opponent is stronger or more skilled.” That had been the question he had asked Ukai. If he ever wanted to get better, he needed to know how to counter the strong opponents. If he wanted to win against people like Ushiwaka, he needed to do something more.    
  
“Ah, right. Well, if it’s the technique you need, I think it’d be easier to show you. So I will show you some tips the next time you come here, okay?” Kuroo sounded thoughtful. Like he had something else on his mind. 

“Mmh.” Tsukishima thought it would probably be the most obvious way to deal with it. Of course showing things in person would be more effective than just telling about them in theory. 

“But, there’s more than just knowing the theory and the technique.” Kuroo started, letting out a breath. “The thing you still lack, is the right mentality. If you’re stuck thinking that the opponent is stronger and you have no chance against them, how do you think you’ll do?” Kuroo said. Tsukishima knew this. He  _ knew.  _ But it was difficult to accept. 

“What I’m saying, you could probably learn something from the shrimp. He’s determined to win. He actually believes he can win, no matter the opponent.” Kuroo let out a small chuckle. It sounded warm. 

“He’s foolish to think so” Tsukishima huffed softly. Hinata was a fool. But he had to admit that it wasn’t in a bad way.  

“Is he?” 

Tsukishima didn’t know what to say. He could admit that he actually envied the way Hinata held himself. The way he had confidence in everything he did. Hinata didn’t see the world as obstacles the same way as Tsukishima did. He saw possibilities.   

“Tsukki?” Tsukishima was shaken from his venture to his own mind.   
  
“Yeah?”

“This wasn’t about volleyball, was it?”

Tsukishima froze. Was he that transparent? Even though he truly wanted to get advice and tips for volleyball, somehow the thing he needed most, was help with something else. He had an opponent. It was his life. How was he supposed to win? 

“I get it, it can be tough to talk about personal stuff, right? And you don’t have to, if you don’t want to. But… well, I understand.” Kuroo continued. 

“You do?” Somehow Tsukishima had never really thought that Kuroo could have trouble talking about things. Even though it shouldn’t be such a surprise. But somehow Kuroo appeared to be so confident, who didn’t care what others thought. But, of course Tsukishima was wrong to think so. He felt bad about assuming things. 

“Of course. Some things are so hard to talk about to other people. Like, I was terrified when I came out to my parents!” 

“Came… out?” Tsukishima raised an eyebrow. Could it be? 

“Right, I’m bi.” Kuroo answered, sounding carefree. That made Tsukishima frown. Kuroo had been terrified coming out to his parents, but not to him? Or maybe he had just come out to so many people by now. Or maybe… Maybe Tsukishima did not matter that much?    
Somehow the thought made Tsukishima’s chest hurt. 

“That… that’s not a problem, is it?” Kuroo’s voice sounded less confident now. It was soft and quiet, almost scared. It eased Tsukishima’s mind. As bad as it sounded. Maybe he didn’t have to worry. Tsukishima realized he hadn’t said anything for a good while, probably making it seem bad. 

“No, no. Of course not.” Tsukishima replied, shaking his head slightly, even though Kuroo wouldn’t see it.    
  
“Are you sure? You don’t sound like it’s okay…” 

“I would be a hypocrite if it wasn’t,” Tsukishima couldn’t stop himself from letting it slip.

“Wait, do you mean..?” Kuroo’s voice had perked up, sounding oddly hopeful. It was interesting how expressive even his voice was.

“I’m… I’m gay.” Tsukishima sighed. There was no use in trying to hide it now. He supposed it was also fair, since Kuroo was honest with him as well. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t come out to anyone yet. He was fairly comfortable with himself, and didn’t really care what others thought. Well, there were a few people’s opinions he cared about. He was hesitant to admit that Kuroo was one of them. 

“That’s great!” Kuroo exclaimed. Huh. He certainly seemed happy about this. “I mean, I’m glad you told me. And I’m glad you don’t mind my bi-ness.” Kuroo continued with a chuckle. Tsukishima huffed. Kuroo was ridiculous.

“...How did your parents react?” Tsukishima found himself asking. He himself hadn’t told his parents yet. He wasn’t really sure if he should ‘come out’ at all. He didn’t need to announce his sexuality to people. Straight people didn’t have to, so why should he? There was also the fact that he didn’t think he’d ever date anyone. He wasn’t a likable person, so he figured he’d always remain single. And it was okay. 

But still. It did made him a bit nervous. If he  _ did _ find somehow find someone who could love him… Telling his parents about it would be scary.  

“Pretty well. I mean, I guess it was a bit of a shock, but they accepted it and haven’t said anything bad about it.” Kuroo was lucky. Not everyone had accepting parents. Some young people go through so many hardships just because of their sexuality or identity. Some parents kick their kids out. Tsukishima was pleased to hear Kuroo didn’t have to go through with that. 

“Have you come out to your family?” Kuroo asked then. Tsukishima figured he should’ve known it was coming. 

“I haven’t, not to my parents”, Tsukishima answered, letting out a breath. 

“My brother knows, though.” 

“How did he take it?” 

“Well, he said he has always known. I never actually told him, but didn’t hide it either. It just… was a fact we both knew? I can’t explain it.” Tsukishima said. It had been an interesting situation, when he and Akiteru had somehow talked about it. There had been no “I’m gay” confession from him, just a normal conversation where Akiteru said something that made it clear he knew. It had been simple, easy. Tsukishima wished it could be like that for every person who wasn’t “normal”. Though Tsukishima hated the word. What was normal anyway? 

“I get it. I think.” Kuroo said. 

“Do… do your friends know?” Kuroo’s voice was hesitant, but somehow it was filled with warmth. Tsukishima couldn’t understand how.  

“Well, Yamaguchi knows. Like I said, it’s not like I hide it. So my teammates might know, if they’ve been aware enough. So, we can count Hinata out.” Tsukishima replied with a chuckle. He could hear Kuroo laughing as well, making Tsukishima feel warm. 

“Tsukki?” Kuroo called.   
  
“Yeah?”

“Thank you for telling me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry. So sorry.   
> I've been.. in a bad place, and writing this has become more difficult. The thing is, this story is about to go to the healing arc. But how do I write that when I myself feel like hell? 
> 
> This chapter isn't as good as I wanted it to be, but I need to get back to writing this. I don't want to leave it unfinished.   
> I have to give a special thank you to Sara, who has been helping me with the inspiration. Especially their little comic of this fic. [Check it out here!](http://zerononikudraws.tumblr.com/post/154247708124)


	14. Trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Anytime.” Kuroo smiled and touched Tsukishima’s shoulder in encouragement, “I mean it. If you need me, just let me know. Even if it’s the middle of the night.” 
> 
> Tsukishima smiled softly, “I hope you won’t regret saying that.”
> 
> “I won’t. You’re worth it.”

He tried. He tried so hard. And to be completely honest, it was taking a toll on him. He was already tired, and putting extra effort in trying to live was starting to be too much. But after he had spoken to the people around him, it got easier to let his feelings show from time to time. Before, he would try to keep it all in if possible, but now he could… relax his face. Let Yamaguchi see how tired he was. His friend would then sit next to him, letting Tsukishima rest his head on his shoulder. Tsukishima was very grateful to have him as a friend. He just wished he wouldn’t have to rely on him too much. It didn’t feel fair. Yamaguchi insisted though, so Tsukishima tried to let him in more. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not. 

Time was bizarre. He felt like he was stuck in the same day, repeating the same things, nothing ever changing. But while his life felt stuck and frozen, time itself was moving fast. Faster than what he could keep up with. He kept trying to reach out so he could grab onto something, but his grip would slip every time he thought he was about to get to safety. But he kept trying. Time passed, slow and fast, and before he knew, they were sitting on a bus again, driving to Tokyo for another short training camp. 

Tsukishima wouldn’t let anyone know it, especially Kuroo, but he was pretty excited to see Kuroo again. They had become somewhat close during the past weeks. After they had the talk about their orientations, things suddenly became more relaxed between them. Like something big had been taken out of the heavy backpack Tsukishima was carrying. Even if he wasn’t too concerned about coming out to people, somehow having someone know and  _ share _ something like this with him? It was a good feeling. Kuroo could understand. Of course he appreciated Yamaguchi and his support, but he couldn’t exactly relate to what Tsukishima was going through. And it helped that he didn’t see Kuroo every day. It was easier to talk through text. He didn’t have to think about meeting Kuroo the next day after a heavy conversation. Though, it wasn’t like they only talked about serious things. Actually, most of the time they had light-hearted conversations about their interests and such. They had become pretty good friends, and Tsukishima felt happiness when he thought about Kuroo. It was a refreshing feeling. 

When team Karasuno finally arrived to their destination, the other teams were waiting for them. Tsukishima saw Kuroo sending him a smile before he went to greet Daichi. Tsukishima thought it was an odd smile. It wasn’t as confident as he was used to seeing. If Tsukishima had to describe it, he would’ve called it… almost shy? But why would Kuroo be shy? Was it because of their conversations? He had to admit, he was a bit nervous meeting Kuroo again after they had had some deep conversations, but Kuroo had always appeared to be a person who could handle things like that better than Tsukishima did. Tsukishima shrugged, letting it go. He figured it was normal to be nervous, even for Kuroo. 

Tsukishima was picking up his bag when he heard Kuroo call for him, his voice enthusiastic. Tsukishima straightened his back and turned around to face his friend.  

“Hey Tsukki.” This time Kuroo’s smile was familiar. Not a trace of the uncertainty that he saw earlier. It was warm and inviting, but with a hint of mischievousness in it. 

“Kuroo.” Tsukishima nodded, responding with a small smile of his. Kuroo seemed to beam at this. It was amusing to notice that such small things could make Kuroo react in such a way. Tsukishima liked it. A happy Kuroo made him feel warm. 

“I hope the drive was okay. Did you get any rest?” Kuroo asked. 

“Not really.” Tsukishima shrugged. His mind had been busy during the drive. Sitting in a car for multiple hours really didn’t do much good for him. Sitting in one place, not being able to properly distract himself could get difficult. Especially when he was surrounded by all of his teammates. But he had tried not to get too anxious. He had listened to music, stared out of the window as the scenery changed. It could have been good. But his mind had been too busy lately. Too busy thinking the wrong things. 

“Oh”, Kuroo frowned, and seemed to think about something, “Would you… like to come with me? I know a good place where you could have a moment of peace, if you need it.” Kuroo asked, his expression showing concern. Tsukishima felt something turn in his stomach. 

“Yeah. I’d like that.” And it was true. He would really like a moment away from his team. There was a buzz in his ears, telling him he needed some quiet time. 

“How about we meet here in 10? You can take your bag inside and stuff first.” Kuroo’s concerned expression turned into a bright smile, one that was almost as radiant as Hinata’s.  

“Sure. See you in 10.” Tsukishima nodded, turning to follow his teammates. Kuroo stayed in his spot, staring fondly at Tsukishima’s retreating form. 

“You have it bad.” Bokuto had appeared next to Kuroo, knocking onto him with his whole body, making Kuroo sway. Kuroo let out a sigh.

“I know.” It was becoming painfully more obvious that he had a crush on the blond boy. The boy who didn’t seem to realize how amazing he was. Kuroo wanted to make sure that one day Tsukishima could see it himself. 

“Why don’t you tell him?” Bokuto asked with a voice that showed a more serious side of himself. 

“I… I think it’s too early. I can’t explain it, but I have this feeling. And it tells me there’s too much going on in his life right now. If I confessed now… I don’t know. It wouldn’t be good for him.” Kuroo sighed. He wanted to tell Tsukishima. He really did. But it was still too early. 

“Oh.” Bokuto seemed a bit confused, but accepted it. Kuroo let out a sigh. 

“What he needs is a friend. And I’m going to try to be just that. I want him to trust me before I make any moves. So that he knows I’ll be there for him, no matter what. Even if he doesn’t return my feelings.” Kuroo explained then, which made Bokuto nod a few times. 

“That’s… huh. It kinda sounds like you’re in love.” Bokuto smiled then, a soft, encouraging smile.

“I don’t know… Is it possible to fall in love in such a short time?” Kuroo ran a hand through his hair, tugging at them in frustration. He knew his feelings for Tsukishima weren’t just a simple crush. But love? Could it be? 

“I think so.” Bokuto replied, glancing at the crowd from the corner of his eyes, and Kuroo knew who he was looking at. Kuroo remained silent. Could he actually be in love? Maybe. Or at least very close to it. Oh boy. Kuroo didn’t know if he was ready to acknowledge this yet. Bokuto patted Kuroo’s back then, and walked towards his teammates. Tsukishima was going to come back soon, and Bokuto wanted to give them privacy.  

Tsukishima did come back only a moment later. Kuroo’s aura had changed during this time, and it made Tsukishima confused. Why was Kuroo frowning like that? Why was his posture so… uncertain? Tsukishima stopped for a second, not sure if he should let Kuroo be. But no matter what he let others think, he actually wanted to be friends with Kuroo. He wanted to be a good friend. He knew he wasn’t very good with people, not sure how to act around them. It was a miracle he had any friends at all. He wanted to be like a proper friend would be. He approached Kuroo slowly, trying to think of something to say or do.  Kuroo straightened his back immediately as he noticed him, a smile forming on his lips. It seemed like a genuine smile, but Tsukishima was suspicious. 

“Oh! You’re back.” Kuroo started gesturing towards the direction he wanted to take Tsukishima. They started walking, but Tsukishima felt like he should be saying something. What did people do when they were worried about others? 

“Good thing we won’t start training immediately, right? It’s good that you’ll get to have a bit of time to recover from the drive.” Kuroo started talking as if nothing was wrong. Tsukishima hummed his response, eyeing Kuroo in suspicion. 

“Kuroo.” He decided to act.

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?” Tsukishima touched Kuroo’s arm lightly, a gesture he didn’t do often. But he wanted to let Kuroo know he would listen, if there was something wrong. 

“Huh? Why?” Kuroo’s face was showing nothing but confusion. 

“I don’t know. You seemed sort of… down?” Tsukishima let his hand drop, now clutching his left arm with uncertainty. This sort of thing didn’t come very naturally to him. He didn’t know how to be a friend. 

“Oh! Oh.” Kuroo’s expression was almost comical, when he seemed to understand. 

“Well… I’m actually… worried about you?” 

“Me?” Tsukishima frowned. He didn’t know he had done anything worrying. And he was feeling relatively okay today. In need of a little break from people, yes, but still alright.

“Yeah. I wish I could help you.” Kuroo rubbed his neck, looking directly into Tsukishima’s eyes. Tsukishima was startled by the intensivity of the gaze. He felt an urge to get closer. Instead, he averted his eyes.

“You’re doing plenty.” He said quietly.  

“I am?”

“You probably don’t even know how much I wanted a moment away from people.” He clarified, smiling a little. It baffled him. Kuroo seemed to understand him and how his mind worked. He knew when to push, and when to let him have some space.

“I figured after a long bus drive like that… I mean, there must be emotionally tiring people there, right?”

“Yes.” Tsukishima nodded. “It’s not like I dislike them... “

“But they just drain more energy than others. I get it.” Kuroo nodded in understanding. Tsukishima wondered if Kuroo was actually introverted himself. A very social sort of introvert. Or maybe it was because of Kenma.

“...Yeah. Thanks.”

“No problem.” Kuroo flashed him a smile. Tsukishima couldn’t help the calm feeling bubbling in his chest.

 

“So, here’s the spot.” Kuroo gestured around them. There was an interesting corner in the building, where you could hang out without being seen. Some bushes and trees gave some extra cover, which was nice. It was a good hiding place if you didn’t want to leave the school area. 

“Okay, uhh, you should have about an hour… I’ll see you later!” Kuroo started to leave so that Tsukishima could have some alone time, but was stopped by Tsukishima’s hand that was now holding his wrist. 

“Could you please… stay?” Tsukishima looked at Kuroo, and Kuroo couldn’t say no. Tsukishima was showing vulnerability. Usually his face was tense, in almost every situation. But now, he looked oddly relaxed. And it was because he was. Tsukishima felt comfortable with Kuroo, and right now he actually didn’t want to be alone. Yes, he needed to recharge, but didn’t want to do that by himself. Despite Kuroo being the sort of person who he’d usually think as a draining person, he actually wasn’t. It was almost as if Kuroo’s company actually helped him gain more energy. It was interesting, and Tsukishima wanted more of it.

“Of course.” Kuroo gave him a soft smile, which Tsukishima mimicked. This made Kuroo feel like his heart could burst.

They didn’t talk after that. They just sat down, shoulders touching. It was calming and relaxing. The silence was far from uncomfortable. And Tsukishima felt safe. He matched his breathing with Kuroo’s, and somehow his anxieties eased up.

Unfortunately the moment could go on for so long, and eventually they had to go back. This camp was meant to be used for practice, after all.

“Thank you.” Tsukishima said as they were about to part ways.

“Anytime.” Kuroo smiled and touched Tsukishima’s shoulder in encouragement, “I mean it. If you need me, just let me know. Even if it’s the middle of the night.” 

Tsukishima smiled softly,  “I hope you won’t regret saying that.”

“I won’t. You’re worth it.”

 

Evening came, and for the first time, Tsukishima had  _ actually _ agreed to join the others for some training. Bokuto had appeared very confused, but very enthusiastic about this change. Kuroo on the other hand hadn’t seemed that surprised. As if he had somehow knew it would happen. If not that day, then soon. 

There was still some time before curfew, so Kuroo asked Tsukishima if he’d want to get some cake again. And who was Tsukishima to decline that offer, especially when Kuroo had offered to pay. So, there they were again, sitting outside while eating cake. 

“How have you been? I know you’ve been training hard, I can see the improvement. But I hope you’ve had enough time to study and relax too.” Kuroo spoke then, after a moment of silence.

Tsukishima wasn’t sure how to respond. Things  _ had  _ been difficult to manage. His mind was a constant storm, making it difficult to keep things in order. Kuroo was looking at him with a soft expression on his face. Maybe he should start opening up in real life as well. 

“I have trouble sleeping.” He replied.

“Yeah? It’s still a problem then?” Kuroo knew Tsukishima hadn’t been sleeping well lately, as Tsukishima had told him once in their messages. But to Tsukishima it was a different thing to actually tell it in person. 

“I’m… tired.” Tsukishima said, playing with his fingers, not daring to look at Kuroo anymore, “Tired of living.” He whispered, voice barely audible. 

He could hear Kuroo inhale sharply. 

“Depression?” 

They hadn’t really talked about this side of his problems. That it was more serious than just a little insomnia. Tsukishima had told Kuroo many things, but not all of it. Of course Kuroo was a smart person, and could tell there was more to it, but he didn't actually know anything. 

“I… think so. Haven’t been to a doctor.” Tsukishima sighed,  “It’s alright though. I’m… working on it.” 

“Yeah?” Kuroo’s voice was soft. Understanding. Safe. Tsukishima wanted. He didn’t know what it was he wanted, but he did. He shifted a little so he was facing Kuroo more.

“Yeah. I’ve been… trying.” He admitted. He had been trying so much. It was tiring.

“That’s good.”

“It’s just… I don’t really even have a reason to feel like this? My life is pretty good.” Tsukishima rubbed his face in frustration. Things were supposedly good in his life. But still he dared to feel like this. He felt like he didn’t have the right to.

“But that’s not really relevant when dealing with stuff like this. Mental health… it doesn’t matter even if everything should be fine in theory. Depression is an illness. Not a choice.” Kuroo’s voice brought him back from his train of thought. Tsukishima lifted his gaze, so he could see the compassionate expression on Kuroo’s face.

“I know. But I can’t help it.” Tsukishima sighed. 

“I’m proud of you. For telling me. Thank you for trusting me.” Kuroo reached out to carefully touch Tsukishima’s hand. He waited for his reaction, to see if he would allow the touch or not. And Tsukishima reached back. Their fingers touched, tangled together.

“Thank you for listening.” Tsukishima shared a tiny smile, which Kuroo answered.

“Anytime. I mean it.” Kuroo caressed his fingers, and Tsukishima wanted to melt. This sort of touch was something he wasn’t too used to having. It felt good.

Tsukki felt himself shift closer to Kuroo. Kuroo was radiating warmth, and Tsukishima wanted more of it. He felt comfortable. He didn’t feel the need to pretend to be anything. He could let out a deep breath and relax.

 

Kuroo felt Tsukishima’s head drop down on his shoulder, startling him.

“Tsukki?” Kuroo whispered. Tsukishima had fallen asleep. Kuroo didn’t know what he should do. Tsukki had just said that he still had trouble sleeping. Maybe he was finally getting tired enough to just pass out. It  _ had _ been a long day. Tsukishima had sat on a bus for a long time, and then they had trained for hours. Anyone would be tired after that.

But what should he do?

It wasn’t very comfortable to sleep while sitting, and the evening was cooling the air. But if he woke him up now, would Tsukishima be able to sleep again?

The fact that Tsukishima looked adorable didn’t help at all. He looked relaxed and calm. Kuroo wished he could see this side of Tsukishima while he was awake. Maybe one day he would trust him enough to show it to him. Maybe he would smile at him, a soft and happy smile. And he really hoped that one day he would be able to fall asleep next to him, feet tangled together. Would Tsukishima return his feelings?   

He decided let Tsukishima sleep for a while. Just enough to get a bit of rest, but not too much to make it impossible to fall asleep again. Kuroo carefully shifted a little, trying to make it more comfortable for Tsukishima. He looked at the sleeping boy. He was beautiful. So beautiful.

Maybe he  _ was _ in love.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy the fluff while it lasts :P

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry for the possible (and likely) errors. I am not a native English speaker, so it can sometimes get a bit difficult to express things.


End file.
